majestic.

our christmas tree is giving off the most beautiful glow right now.
today has been splendid, and for so many reasons.

to name a few:
my postmodern lit teacher is increasingly becoming one of the most interesting people i have ever encountered.
i really missed seeing my classmates and coworkers during the break
it's nice to get back to a routine
day one of the facebook fast: success.
i was so productive!

I'm sitting in my living room because I can't sleep
all the lights are out but there's a beautiful glow from the colored lights lining the ceiling and our silver christmas tree which is complete with ornaments and candy canes.
accenting the lights and tree are strands of red garland and, the best part, stockings hung up on the entertainment center. my roommate even lit some candles and it smells like cinnamon and nutmeg.

the whole room is completely precious.

so being in this room right now after a great day, listening to josh groban sing about christmas, anticipating dinner with my dad tomorrow and knowing that in 18 days I'll be on my way home is making me extremely happy.

12 hours

not even a full day into the facebook fast and i already want to break it.

pathetic.

thankful :]

today being thanksgiving and all, I figured I would give in and do the cheesy what I'm thankful for post.

today I am grateful for:

skype
so I can talk to my sister in china and my parents and extended family in north carolina and pretend like I'm actually with them

my Casa de Chicas friends
for all getting together and having a family dinner tonight

my english major/spanish class besties
because they are awesome and maybe a little crazy at times but they give the best hugs and we have so much fun together

christmas music
because there's nothing like holiday cheer

there are alot more obviously but those are the ones that are feeling the most prominent today

hope everyone has a marvelous food-and-fun-filled thanksgiving :]

optimism.

anyone that interacts with me on a semi-regular basis knows a few basic things.

I am cynical. I am sarcastic. I am blunt. I am opinionated. I am judgmental. I am critical. I am negative.

but here's the thing; I understand and recognize those character traits are ones that I posses. I have known for years. I am fully aware that people can get a bad impression of me because those qualities are so frequently displayed.
guess what.
if I had a problem with that, I would have changed it when I won awards for my art of being a bitch in high school.

my cynicism comes from the fact that so many people have led me to understand the reality that people are not always decent or good.
my sarcasm comes from my ability to understand situations and the absurdity of them.
my blunt comments come from the belief that people should be honest rather than petty and fake.
my opinions come from life-long observations of how people act and the impression they give me.
my judgments come from noticing things that I hope not to be or do.
my criticism comes from being told to and having the natural ability to think analytically.
my negativity comes from an awareness of the bad that is all around me in situations, in others, and most importantly within myself.

you may not agree with my behaviors or my personality or my views on people and life but I don't need you to, just like I don't need to approve of yours. everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am in no way saying that my negative character traits are acceptable and should be embraced by those around me. all I am saying is that you have your personality, and I have mine.
why in the world can't we both accept that?

if you don't like me, I encourage you to be honest and accepting of that opinion. I'm sorry that any positive qualities I might posses haven't been enough to overshadow your focus on my negative ones. but clearly you have reasons to think that way and I haven't tried to prevent you from forming that opinion.

so can we just accept the reality that we don't like each other and realize that life is still going on?

why am i still here?

can someone please tell me?

[disclaimer]
i hope no one takes this the wrong way, it's absolutely nothing personal.
i have so many friends here that i love to death and am so grateful for
and i really do love my job and the people ive been able to meet this semester
but...


tonight i realized something.
despite the fact that i've been a lot happier here than before, i still want to leave so badly.
if my parents called me in the morning and said

"we understand and support you, and we're ok with you not finishing the semester. it's ok, just let your boss know what's going on and that you're sorry you have to quit. put the ticket on the credit card, just come back and figure things out and that'll be fine."

i would pack my bags and leave for the airport immediately.

sitting here right now, i cannot think of a single thing that would make me hesitate to leave.
there are definitely things and people that i would miss deeply,
but not enough to keep me here.

i cannot wait to say my final farewell to this place.

summertime blues

if we're being completely honest here, I'm still not over what happened this summer.
the first month back exceeded my expectations of the happiness being home would create.
but then there was an angry phone call that carried with it hurt feelings, lost respect and broken hearts, and caused somewhat irreparable damage.

plain and simple,
what happened this summer broke my heart and I haven't done a very good job of putting it back together.
by the looks of things, it might be another two and a half years before any kind of real resolution comes.

everyday something reminds me of how bad this situation really is and I hate it.
is it so strange that I want to hate these people for ruining so many things in my life?

I want to hate them so badly, and for the rest of my life. but even more than I want to loathe them, I miss them being in my life.

hmm..

I don't usually blog about churchy stuff, but this has been really important to me lately, and I thought I'd share my thoughts.


I've been having a lot more spiritual experiences than usual lately.
I mean, it's been a conscious effort to make that the case, and it's working.
I'm a pretty huge fan of this.
especially after going to the open house, I cannot wait until I can go to the temple. Not to get married, and not to do baptisms with my ward. those are great reasons, but what I am really craving is the day that I can sit in the celestial room and have that feeling again. The place wasn't even dedicated and I've never felt peace like that in my whole life. I want to have hundreds of moments of being alone with the spirit in that room.
with that in mind, I've been trying to make some changes. It's been kinda rough, because they're really simple things that I've just been neglecting. Like morning prayer, loving my neighbor, forgiveness, and seeking opportunities to feel the spirit.
it's about two weeks into the 30 day goal my roommate and I have and it's been very hard, but I can already see the benefits. I feel the spirit so much more and I couldn't be happier about it.

I went to devotional today and I swear to you, that musical number came straight from angels. I was on the verge of an all-out breakdown. Chills, chest on fire, tearing up, everything. While I listened to that song I felt too infinite and larger-than-life to be contained within my body.
the concert choir sang How Great Thou Art. if I could pick one word to describe it, majestic.

so in the spirit of everyone's thankful posts, I am thankful for being a member of this church and the fact that I can feel the spirit of God around me and know that God loves me.

copycat.

since homesickness has been an increasing problem and I am currently stressed like crazy, my thoughts have been pretty negative lately. no bueno! I need to fix that.
so how about I get nice and cheesy for you all.

lets take a lesson from someone who knows how to stay positive.




my turn:

I like my house
I like my roommates
I like my bike
I like the rain
I like catchphrase
I like theater
I like postmodern lit
I like my teachers
I like my sweatpants
I like my classmates
I like spanish

let's kick it up a notch shall we?

I love my family
I love my niece and nephews
I love my friends
I love my coworkers
I love my job
I love the swings
I love clue
I love learning
I love the scriptures
I love music
I love people-watching


a little random, but go with it.
I think that's a pretty sufficient list for tonight, wouldn't you agree?

today,

I am feeling homesick.

the more time I spend away from home the more I realize what a beautiful place it is.
it's not just how pretty I think it is either, I'm appreciating the little things that make a place feel like home.

the things I miss the most:

thunderstorms and lightning
the color of leaves in the fall
my dog sleeping in my room
driving the back roads between all the farms
going to the big slide with friends
the comfy feeling of wearing fall clothes
the blue chair in the family room
watching cary grant movies in my parents room
the view of downtown westminster from mcdaniel hill
visiting my high school stage
the feeling of familiarity

I've tried really hard to embrace being here, and I absolutely love the family of friends that I have, but there's no denying it; this place is a waiting room.
it's a lull period.
it's an escape from reality

this is not home.
this is not where my heart feels at home.
this is not a place that will become my home.

I reside here, and I'm loving the experience,
but this place is not mine.