leave Britney alone.

great day.
fun at work, espanol, theater makeup, Glee with friends.

two weeks into fall semester and things are already radically different.
good? bad?
both.


I've found that I'm not sure what's happening with my personality.
High-school Erin is making a comeback. uh-oh. watch your back.
[that wasn't meant to be sarcastic or pompous, I'm genuinely concerned about how it will effect my friendships]

I've found that I'm starting to place the people I see regularly into one of the following categories.

person 1:
let's be frank, you are extremely annoying. your attention-whore nature is a little excessive and don't disillusion yourself by thinking I'm the only one who feels this way. don't get me wrong, you have your moments of awesomeness but they're increasingly few and far apart. when those moments do come it turns into "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie". you can't stop. you're also much too needy and I need to get myself together before I can keep helping you.
what happened to your pedestal? I kept you up there for a while, and it's been yanked out from under you quite abruptly.

person 2:
where have you been this whole time? I've become intrigued and excited to get to know you as quickly as I lost my desire to know person 1. you're hilarious. you're pensive. you're witty. you're intriguing. you're genuine. you make me think that maybe my parents are on to something when they try to convince me to stay here. you're not new, I just hadn't taken the time to appreciate what I have when it comes to our friendship. how do I apologize for that kind of a mistake? if you know which words can cover it please tell me. thank you for being someone I instantly respect, being an example to me, and giving me more faith in people in general. apparently not everyone's crazy :]


I know we aren't supposed to judge, and we've been commanded to love everyone equally, but let's be honest.
I've never been the best at that.

life's tricky.

I had a conversation with my mom today about what I'm doing with life and what not.
She told me that this past summer that when I told her I was going to serve a mission in sacrament meeting one day she instantly knew that was why I'd had so much trouble deciding on what to do with my life. Because "you don't need to know yet".

Only problem is that the next year is not planned at all and I hate not having a plan. My mom thinks this is my lesson in how to "go with the flow". gross.

So, I've figured out some little details, but as far as the big stuff, I'm trying to just take what life hands me and take it one day at a time.

1. Monday morning I'm switching my major to English and dropping the Ed part.
- I don't want to teach here so I'm going to figure out what state I want to live in and then get my teaching certificate.
-a non-education major means a lot more job opportunities if I decide I don't want to teach.

2. I'm taking a course at the community college this summer to get my Event Planning Certification.

and that's all I got.

oh mickey.

cohabitation is kinda strange.
like living with someone who could very well be a small part of your life.
I've had new roommates every semester. some horrible. some even worse than that. some incredible. and some that worked perfectly.
generally speaking, when it comes to the people I cohabit with, I either love them or hate them.

guess who got lucky this semester?
this girl.

I have five roommates this time around thanks to the fact that BYUH is idiotic and admits more people than they have housing for, and I love every single one of them. I'm genuinely sad that I don't have the opportunity to spend more time with them at the house. I'm never home and i usually come home after they've gone to bed and leave after they're already in class in the morning.
it's kinda devastating because I know they all have a ton of fun together and I'm missing out.
I feel really lucky to live with them though, they still love me even though I'm not included in their inside jokes as much.
aaaand they made me the cutest birthday cake last night.
they're great.


new goal:
appreciate what I have, and spend more time at home.

I'd rather not.

Photograph, remembering the summer
It takes me back,
To Southern California.

Where the girls would all pass
On the boardwalk and laugh
At our desperate attempts and our sunburned backs
We never had a chance, I remember that
And no matter what we do,
We'll never lose what we had growing up.

Won't bring us down.
Yeah, growing up,
It won't bring us down,
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down

Graduate, what's a kid to do now?
Get away, yeah-ah.
We've got so much to prove.
Cause it's time to move on
And I'm stuck to let go,
But then Wonderwall comes on the radio,
I flashback to the night in your parent's yard,
When we drank too much and we talked about god...

Growing up, won't bring us down.
Growing up, it won't bring us down.
We're in this together,
Yeah, we'll make it somehow,
Nothing's gonna stop us now...
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down
Oh-oh-oh

Photograph, oh give me something to remember

Growing up, won't bring us down.
Growing up, it won't bring us down.
We're in this together,
Yeah, we'll make it somehow,
Nothing's gonna stop us now...
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down (won't bring us down)
Growing up won't bring us down (won't bring us down)
Growing up won't bring us... down.

snap

back to reality.

break has been unbelievably fun. I feel so much closer to my friends than I did before just in a matter of a week. we've gone on so many adventures, had countless meaningful discussions, and made a thousand new memories.
I don't think I've laughed this hard in months.

it wasn't just a break from school either.
break from work
break from thinking
break from drama
break from obligations
break from fronts
break from caring
break from frustration

it was beautiful.
and now, there is one day left.
it's ending too quickly
but, as eminem so eloquently put it:

snap! back to reality.

dreams be dreams.

don't you just love a mellow day?

I started the day with some banana pancakes at Hukilau Cafe and when I got home some Jack Johnson was in order. it completely set the tone for the rest of the day.

today was simplistic and heart-warming.

the whole day was filled with ease.

I caught up with friends I hadn't spoken to in weeks and months.

I mixed my two separate worlds some more.

I was introduced to MasterChef. I've never been so embarrassed about my inability to cook.

I strengthened some friendships.

I spent the night with my close friends; laughing, bonding, and feeling like a family.

do you ever feel infinite?

I do.

tonight I was amazed.

I was amazed by the incredible strength of a friend.
both physical and spiritual.


tonight I feel how much I really love and care for my friends.
tonight I understand how distress can bring people together.
tonight I was able to release a lot of built up commotion in my brain.

I would prefer it if tonight never happened again.


ever.

anticipation.

I really hope a lot more people come for fall.
and I hope a large portion of them are NOT freshman.

I want to make more friends.
I want to make more memories.
I want to do more exciting things.
is that weird?

that I want these things that will only make it harder for me to leave in december?

I still want them though.
really badly.


things I want from my last three months in Hawaii:
reaffirmation that I'm making the right decision.
memories with my closest friends.
solidifying my friendships here so that I won't lose them.
to enjoy every bit of being here.
to realize that being here is still an adventure and not a routine.
to appreciate the gift I was given when Heavenly Father pretty much singled out this campus as my only option.
to understand that this will be one of the most incredible experiences I will ever have.



my indecision is getting extremely old.
literally every single day someone seems to be able to talk me into deciding the other option.

tonight one person put it like this:
"oh man, is Provo calling?"

that sentence horrified me.