But in the moments I'm allowed to claim, I'm looking back. I'm stepping into the still-somewhat-unknown. For the first time, I'm looking ahead the right way-- by looking around.
For me it's always been about living in remembrance or vicariously. I tend to look behind and pick and choose the happy moments to validate the claim that "my life used to be good or happy or simple" or to put others on pedestals and aspire to dreams that seem ideal but are not truly my own.
I'm starting new though, I'm figuring myself out. I'm doing things that are simple, uninspired, mediocre at best, but that make me genuinely happy for my circumstances right now.
Whether it's volunteering for a high school theater production, working retail times two, driving 40 minutes to the smallest social circle I've had thus far, or driving around the beautiful county roads by myself, I'm finding that even my pessimism and automatic cranky disposition can't even mask the true happiness I feel.
I once wrote about this strange, foreign person residing in my brain, wanting to change my perspectives. I feel like she's still there, but we've come to a peaceful compromise. There are still so many life changes ahead of me, but they're still ahead rather than here.
This year has been about perspective, not about patience or punishment.
On that note, I suggest you all go find your most cozy blanket, sip some cocoa, and sit down to enjoy one of the following movies
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