uh-oh. this might be a long one.
I haven't really mapped it out in my mind, but I need to get stuff out.
journals take forever and my hands hurt from trying to write the thoughts as quickly as they come.
my thought processes have been changing.
no lie, in the past two weeks I feel like my mind has completely shifted it's m.o.
do you think it might be normal that I sometimes don't understand how my brain works? like really, how is that possible? that a person wouldn't understand their own brain and what's happening in there. I feel like that a lot. but especially the past few weeks.
I'm coasting through my days as my usual self, sometimes happy and funny, sometimes sarcastic and sullen, when all of a sudden I have very strong out-of-body thoughts. Like things I never ever think about especially not in a positive way have been popping up in my head and trying to convince me that they're desirable and ideal.
[sidenote: this isn't like, a temptation of the devil kind of thought, its actually something I'm supposed to want]
I was really nervous to turn twenty.and I was right to be. I was so skeptical because it meant I was in my twenties. what a strange sentence. have you ever thought about that? what being in your twenties means? generally speaking, it means that within the next five years or so the individual will likely be moving toward marriage and children and settling down in thst house in the suburbs. in the LDS community, it means within the next two or you're slow on the uptake.
I am so not ready to be the age where these things are a reality. I don't feel ready to be going through changes as significant as the ones happening to me. I am too analytical and obsessive to let myself go with the flow of the early-twenties. I am too set in my ways to be craving foreign things.
but now there is this person in my brain. she looks kind of like me, but her eyes are brighter and gentler, and she smiles at people more. she's kinda toward the back of my skull, and she's fighting hard to get all settled in, right up close to the windows in my eyes. she wants to change the way I see things. I think she knows what's best for me, but I don't know if I'm cool with this stranger taking control of my eyesight. will I like what I see when she does?
1 comment:
erin! NO JOKE. i totally made this transformation like a few years ago where i became more of a person i was afraid to be, but in the end im so much happier than i ever was back then. and once you're on the other side of this personality you didn't know you had, you see how much you didn't need that other half. don't get me wrong, i still have my other half and she comes out sometimes and its fun and stuff... but its better to be in the new.... does that make sense? anyway... see ya. haha.
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