these people remind me that acting is an art, and movies can be a masterpiece.
oh to be an artist of their caliber.
Friday, October 29, 2010
perspective.
uh-oh. this might be a long one.
I haven't really mapped it out in my mind, but I need to get stuff out.
journals take forever and my hands hurt from trying to write the thoughts as quickly as they come.
my thought processes have been changing.
no lie, in the past two weeks I feel like my mind has completely shifted it's m.o.
do you think it might be normal that I sometimes don't understand how my brain works? like really, how is that possible? that a person wouldn't understand their own brain and what's happening in there. I feel like that a lot. but especially the past few weeks.
I'm coasting through my days as my usual self, sometimes happy and funny, sometimes sarcastic and sullen, when all of a sudden I have very strong out-of-body thoughts. Like things I never ever think about especially not in a positive way have been popping up in my head and trying to convince me that they're desirable and ideal.
[sidenote: this isn't like, a temptation of the devil kind of thought, its actually something I'm supposed to want]
I was really nervous to turn twenty.and I was right to be. I was so skeptical because it meant I was in my twenties. what a strange sentence. have you ever thought about that? what being in your twenties means? generally speaking, it means that within the next five years or so the individual will likely be moving toward marriage and children and settling down in thst house in the suburbs. in the LDS community, it means within the next two or you're slow on the uptake.
I am so not ready to be the age where these things are a reality. I don't feel ready to be going through changes as significant as the ones happening to me. I am too analytical and obsessive to let myself go with the flow of the early-twenties. I am too set in my ways to be craving foreign things.
but now there is this person in my brain. she looks kind of like me, but her eyes are brighter and gentler, and she smiles at people more. she's kinda toward the back of my skull, and she's fighting hard to get all settled in, right up close to the windows in my eyes. she wants to change the way I see things. I think she knows what's best for me, but I don't know if I'm cool with this stranger taking control of my eyesight. will I like what I see when she does?
I haven't really mapped it out in my mind, but I need to get stuff out.
journals take forever and my hands hurt from trying to write the thoughts as quickly as they come.
my thought processes have been changing.
no lie, in the past two weeks I feel like my mind has completely shifted it's m.o.
do you think it might be normal that I sometimes don't understand how my brain works? like really, how is that possible? that a person wouldn't understand their own brain and what's happening in there. I feel like that a lot. but especially the past few weeks.
I'm coasting through my days as my usual self, sometimes happy and funny, sometimes sarcastic and sullen, when all of a sudden I have very strong out-of-body thoughts. Like things I never ever think about especially not in a positive way have been popping up in my head and trying to convince me that they're desirable and ideal.
[sidenote: this isn't like, a temptation of the devil kind of thought, its actually something I'm supposed to want]
I was really nervous to turn twenty.and I was right to be. I was so skeptical because it meant I was in my twenties. what a strange sentence. have you ever thought about that? what being in your twenties means? generally speaking, it means that within the next five years or so the individual will likely be moving toward marriage and children and settling down in thst house in the suburbs. in the LDS community, it means within the next two or you're slow on the uptake.
I am so not ready to be the age where these things are a reality. I don't feel ready to be going through changes as significant as the ones happening to me. I am too analytical and obsessive to let myself go with the flow of the early-twenties. I am too set in my ways to be craving foreign things.
but now there is this person in my brain. she looks kind of like me, but her eyes are brighter and gentler, and she smiles at people more. she's kinda toward the back of my skull, and she's fighting hard to get all settled in, right up close to the windows in my eyes. she wants to change the way I see things. I think she knows what's best for me, but I don't know if I'm cool with this stranger taking control of my eyesight. will I like what I see when she does?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
30 days.
I'm makin changes.
I need to get things together.
for 30 days.
lots of goals.
kinda nervous, but Bri is by my side.
30 days.
keep your fingers crossed for me.
I need to get things together.
for 30 days.
lots of goals.
kinda nervous, but Bri is by my side.
30 days.
keep your fingers crossed for me.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
let me introduce you
to an incredible person.
unforgettable.
genuine.
unique.
analytical.
hilarious.
spontaneous.
passionate.
driven.
insightful.
the most wise-beyond-her-years person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
unforgettable.
genuine.
unique.
analytical.
hilarious.
spontaneous.
passionate.
driven.
insightful.
the most wise-beyond-her-years person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
she was my best friend.
plain and simple, I miss her.
two years gone, two years too long.
♥ Caitlin Marie Boles
plain and simple, I miss her.
two years gone, two years too long.
♥ Caitlin Marie Boles
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
rant much?
how could you possibly not understand basic rules of human interaction?
are you serious?
I genuinely can't figure out which is worse: you doing this because you enjoy making people hate you or because you really think your actions are an acceptable way to live and function.
what mystifies me more than your behavior is your obliviousness to how people view you. do you really not see it? do you genuinely have no idea how awful you are? I have not encountered a single redeeming quality in you. that has never happened to me before. even the people I hate the most in this world have touched my heart or won my favor in at least some minuscule way. but I literally have never had a good thing to say about you. don't misunderstand me, I do not waste my time talking to people about how much I dislike you, and I do understand that Christ loves everyone and as His follower I am commanded to love everyone as well. I love you. I will absolutely help you if you need it. I've done countless nice things for you already because I'm a relatively decent person. but honey, there's a clear distinction between love and like, and it works both ways. I love you, but I do not in any way like you.
how about you do us all a huge favor and take a good long look in the mirror of self-realization. it won't be a pretty sight.
this is in no way an attempt to make you better understand yourself for the desired end result that you will change so I can actually respect you and that we will become chummy and one day be old friends. definitely not.
this is purely because I find you annoying, and I believe in the freedom of expression.
are you serious?
I genuinely can't figure out which is worse: you doing this because you enjoy making people hate you or because you really think your actions are an acceptable way to live and function.
what mystifies me more than your behavior is your obliviousness to how people view you. do you really not see it? do you genuinely have no idea how awful you are? I have not encountered a single redeeming quality in you. that has never happened to me before. even the people I hate the most in this world have touched my heart or won my favor in at least some minuscule way. but I literally have never had a good thing to say about you. don't misunderstand me, I do not waste my time talking to people about how much I dislike you, and I do understand that Christ loves everyone and as His follower I am commanded to love everyone as well. I love you. I will absolutely help you if you need it. I've done countless nice things for you already because I'm a relatively decent person. but honey, there's a clear distinction between love and like, and it works both ways. I love you, but I do not in any way like you.
how about you do us all a huge favor and take a good long look in the mirror of self-realization. it won't be a pretty sight.
this is in no way an attempt to make you better understand yourself for the desired end result that you will change so I can actually respect you and that we will become chummy and one day be old friends. definitely not.
this is purely because I find you annoying, and I believe in the freedom of expression.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
is it weird
that my job at the Reading/Writing Center has exponentially increased my happiness here?
the combination of being a tutor and the people I get to work with have joined together to make some sort of magical upper that I've been floating on for weeks.
keep it up kids.
the combination of being a tutor and the people I get to work with have joined together to make some sort of magical upper that I've been floating on for weeks.
keep it up kids.
Friday, October 8, 2010
why?
according to good ol' Merriam-Webster, the definition of indecision is
a wavering between two or more possible courses of action
so I have this thing about words and analyzing their literal meaning and connotation and what they can imply and why each word is chosen as opposed to the millions of other possibilities.
"wavering"
that is the perfect word to describe my current indecision. it's not just that I can't figure out what to do with the next year. this is what happens in my indecision:
there are about three or four definitive and detailed courses of action that I have planned out for the next year. one day I discuss the details of these options with various people [friends, parents, siblings, roommates] and I dwell on all the aspects of that course in relation to the others and I dwell on it and pray about it and I decide, this is what I am going to do. I have my answer.
two days later, I have a moment or conversation that takes me completely by surprise and makes me think holy bananas, what was I thinking, it's so clear that course 1 was not correct and that course 2 or 3 is the clear and obvious route I should take.
can I just ask one question about this?
why??
I would much prefer to be equally confused everyday rather than fooled into thinking I can actually make a decision about my own life.
to the people that read this, I'm sorry this has been such a continuous theme for my blog lately but this is my place for expression right? and indecision is the only thing on my mind lately. it has taken over my brain and life and thoughts.
I think I want guidance right now more than I've ever wanted anything.
a wavering between two or more possible courses of action
so I have this thing about words and analyzing their literal meaning and connotation and what they can imply and why each word is chosen as opposed to the millions of other possibilities.
"wavering"
that is the perfect word to describe my current indecision. it's not just that I can't figure out what to do with the next year. this is what happens in my indecision:
there are about three or four definitive and detailed courses of action that I have planned out for the next year. one day I discuss the details of these options with various people [friends, parents, siblings, roommates] and I dwell on all the aspects of that course in relation to the others and I dwell on it and pray about it and I decide, this is what I am going to do. I have my answer.
two days later, I have a moment or conversation that takes me completely by surprise and makes me think holy bananas, what was I thinking, it's so clear that course 1 was not correct and that course 2 or 3 is the clear and obvious route I should take.
can I just ask one question about this?
why??
I would much prefer to be equally confused everyday rather than fooled into thinking I can actually make a decision about my own life.
to the people that read this, I'm sorry this has been such a continuous theme for my blog lately but this is my place for expression right? and indecision is the only thing on my mind lately. it has taken over my brain and life and thoughts.
I think I want guidance right now more than I've ever wanted anything.
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