a rollercoaster of sorts.

Today was rather intense.
The three year anniversary of the accident that took Matt and Caitlin's lives is this week. The family held a graveside gathering for family and friends to honor the anniversary and to let everyone come out and see the newly-placed gravestone and bench.



The poem on the side is actually one that I framed, along with pictures of Matt and Caitlin, and gave to the family. I was so unbelievably touched when their mom, Michelle, told me it meant so much to them that it was permanently a part of their memory.

What's especially significant about this anniversary for me is that I'm actually home. When the accident occurred, I was half-way through my first semester of college in Hawaii, and wasn't able to come home for any part of it. Not Matt's funeral, not during Caitlin's two weeks in the hospital, and not her funeral. The funerals along with the anniversary ceremonies, were all relayed by family and friends. Everything I knew of them was second-hand. Don't get me wrong, the events sounded amazing, heartbreaking, therapeutic, and filled with love, but I hadn't really experienced any of it for myself. Today I was surrounded by family and friends who were all just as effected by their passing as I was. I found so much comfort and strength in finally being a part of it all. I finally feel like my healing process is complete.

At the graveside, the parents mentioned that a former classmate of Matt's is creating a documentary about the accident, the impact, and the long-lasting effects still felt today. He interviewed the family throughout the weekend and was filming the gathering. They extended the offer that if anyone would like to sit with Nate and tell their experience and let him ask a few questions, they would love to have us involved.
I in now way intended to offer an interview with this person I had only heard of from high school, but of course, their dad approached me privately and asked if I would be willing to sit and talk with Nate and tell my story because it would mean a lot to the family. Who could say no to that?

He asked questions like how would you describe their personalities, what did you do together, can you tell me about the morning of the accident, what was your experience while Caitlin was in the hospital, how was the ceremony earlier for you as your first time being back, what is it like with them gone, what have you learned from this, what do you miss most about them, and what advice would you give people in relation to this situation?

My experience was really very different than the other friends that were interviewed. I wasn't here, I didn't have anyone else around me grieving, I didn't go through the pain of attending their funerals. But I struggled with handling such a deep loss on my own, with not saying goodbye while my loved ones did, and with missing out on something that brought all of my friends so close together.

I honestly don't even remember half of what I said, and I'm pretty sure I rambled a lot, but what I do know is that recalling the details of my emotions surrounding their deaths wasn't fun- I maybe started heading for breakdown mode a little but gained my composure eventually- but I genuinely hope that Nate is able to make the documentary into something beautiful that will lift spirits and touch hearts and change perspectives. That was the kind of effect Matt and Caitlin had on every person they met, and I know it will translate into remembering them through this film.

Love you guys forever.