sick.

what happens when it's the fifth day you're sick in bed?

you sign up for netflix and watch the entire first season of Dexter, that's what.




I can't stop.

music.

I miss singing. I mean actively singing; doing scales and other warm-ups and then singing from sheet music with a big group to the sound of piano keys.

since high school I haven't been in a choir or continued any training on my voice whatsoever. I wasn't phenomenal or anything back then, but I did pretty well for myself. I had been in chorus since fourth grade, had solos in concerts and a singing lead in my senior year musical.

I am not as good as I once was.
most singing now takes place on drives between laie and haleiwa or honolulu.
my voice is shaky and my range has decreased. it makes me really genuinely sad.
I love singing because when the notes and words are put together just right you get this feeling where your soul and all of your emotions are just too big to be contained within your body. I get chills or goosebumps so often when I listen to good music. there's such an incredible range of things you can feel when you listen to music and, in my opinion, even more when you're making it.

tonight I went through my itunes and made a playlist of all the songs I love singing.

I want to be musically oriented again. I want to play with harmonies again. I want to let emotions pour out of me again.

different.

throughout my life my parents have always told me, "Erin, out of all our children, you are the one that has the hardest time handling and accepting change."

still so true.

i just really do not like change. i like my patterns. i like consistency. i like being able to depend on an expected outcome.

these things are not happening. instead, a myriad of awesome and also not awesome changes are taking place.
i'm still not handling it well.

price tag.

this song will not stop playing in my head.

i'm not that upset about it.

today.

today has really been incredible.
it has just been all-around fantastic.

I don't particularly enjoy waking up early, but I'm not even upset that I had to.
today I just feel blessed. I am an extremely negative person at times and I have this thing where I constantly complain about the fact that I'm still stuck in a place I want to be away from, about people around me, about the school I attend, about just a lot of things in general.
thinking about it, today I haven't felt the need or had anything to complain about.
from the very beginning of today I saw tender mercies everywhere.

this morning I prayed to remember where my keys were and instantly the image of a hoodie pocket popped into my head. there they were.
I enjoyed an easy night at work with coworkers and friends. that job has been such a blessing.
I managed to write a letter to a close friend serving a mission that I may have been neglecting.

but my favorite:
I had the opportunity to read some essays from my classmates in creative writing. there were two specifically that might be the best things I've read in a long time.

one was about childhood summers spent playing with a kind and loving grandfather out on the trampoline. love was literally dripping from every word in that essay. I read it during my religion class today, and what do you know, I cried. it was beyond beautiful, and extremely well-written.

the other was about the love and concern and hope felt for a younger brother [who was following in some maybe not so great footsteps of the elder]. when I read that essay, I was so overwhelmed with admiration. I realized that the person, and no doubt the seemingly incredible family he came from, are probably amongst the highest quality people on this earth.


for all I complain about hating people and how much the human race just sucks in general, I absolutely love real, genuine glimpses into people's lives where they bare their souls and what you see there is completely beautiful. people like this and the beauty they created in their writing make me want to be an optimist. it took me by surprise, and had a pretty big impact on my day.

I want to see and feel the majesty in things around me

wowza.

I HAVE BEEN SO PRODUCTIVE TODAY.

I woke up at 7 this morning, can you believe it?!
it was crazy. not gonna lie, it took a solid half hour for my brain to start functioning.
since then it's been nothing but classes and writing to missionaries and homework and more classes and now I finally have a break.
I cant decide if I should take a nap so I can handle having to work till 11 tonight or just keep the streak going. holy dilemma batman.

random thought time:
I think I'm going to apply to be an efy counselor this summer. I have no idea if they're still accepting applications, but I'll give it a shot tonight.

it bothers me that I have not perfected a system where I can always come home to a cold bottle of water.

my room is a disaster.

all I've eaten today is a blueberry eggo and a cookie from a friend. I'm starving.