a rollercoaster of sorts.

Today was rather intense.
The three year anniversary of the accident that took Matt and Caitlin's lives is this week. The family held a graveside gathering for family and friends to honor the anniversary and to let everyone come out and see the newly-placed gravestone and bench.



The poem on the side is actually one that I framed, along with pictures of Matt and Caitlin, and gave to the family. I was so unbelievably touched when their mom, Michelle, told me it meant so much to them that it was permanently a part of their memory.

What's especially significant about this anniversary for me is that I'm actually home. When the accident occurred, I was half-way through my first semester of college in Hawaii, and wasn't able to come home for any part of it. Not Matt's funeral, not during Caitlin's two weeks in the hospital, and not her funeral. The funerals along with the anniversary ceremonies, were all relayed by family and friends. Everything I knew of them was second-hand. Don't get me wrong, the events sounded amazing, heartbreaking, therapeutic, and filled with love, but I hadn't really experienced any of it for myself. Today I was surrounded by family and friends who were all just as effected by their passing as I was. I found so much comfort and strength in finally being a part of it all. I finally feel like my healing process is complete.

At the graveside, the parents mentioned that a former classmate of Matt's is creating a documentary about the accident, the impact, and the long-lasting effects still felt today. He interviewed the family throughout the weekend and was filming the gathering. They extended the offer that if anyone would like to sit with Nate and tell their experience and let him ask a few questions, they would love to have us involved.
I in now way intended to offer an interview with this person I had only heard of from high school, but of course, their dad approached me privately and asked if I would be willing to sit and talk with Nate and tell my story because it would mean a lot to the family. Who could say no to that?

He asked questions like how would you describe their personalities, what did you do together, can you tell me about the morning of the accident, what was your experience while Caitlin was in the hospital, how was the ceremony earlier for you as your first time being back, what is it like with them gone, what have you learned from this, what do you miss most about them, and what advice would you give people in relation to this situation?

My experience was really very different than the other friends that were interviewed. I wasn't here, I didn't have anyone else around me grieving, I didn't go through the pain of attending their funerals. But I struggled with handling such a deep loss on my own, with not saying goodbye while my loved ones did, and with missing out on something that brought all of my friends so close together.

I honestly don't even remember half of what I said, and I'm pretty sure I rambled a lot, but what I do know is that recalling the details of my emotions surrounding their deaths wasn't fun- I maybe started heading for breakdown mode a little but gained my composure eventually- but I genuinely hope that Nate is able to make the documentary into something beautiful that will lift spirits and touch hearts and change perspectives. That was the kind of effect Matt and Caitlin had on every person they met, and I know it will translate into remembering them through this film.

Love you guys forever.

I'm going to gloat.

Are you aware that I literally have the best birthday in the year?

I do.

Not only do I share a birthday with Stephen King and comedic genius Bill Murray,
my birthday is also of significance in the LDS religion (Moroni appearing to Joseph Smith).

In addition, my birthday is the perfect placement in avoiding a summer birthday when no one is around to celebrate with you, and being early enough so as not to get mushed in with all the Fall holidays.

Oh but speaking of Fall, my favorite season by the way, I can legitimately say
"It's not Fall until my birthday hits."
That's right. September 21st is the Autumn Equinox. My birthday is literally the start of the best time of year.

See what I mean? I have the best birthday.

Brr!

So I'm recovering from getting my wisdom teeth out this past Thursday. Overall it hasn't been too bad. I was a freakin disaster when I woke up from anesthesia, crying and talking all kinds of nonsense, but after some meds and sleeping it off I felt great.
Yesterday my jaw started to get pretty sore and I've been icing and dosing regularly so it'll subside a little but I get really sore and dizzy from the medicine anyway so I'm not quite back to normal.

So today to bide the time my new good friend Mercedes came over and we made Mac and Cheese, and are currently sitting cozy in bed having a Vampire Diaries marathon!
I love it.

I'm also coloring in my Disney Princess coloring book, because I'm classy and sophisticated, and mature.

frozen edamame, you are my best friend.
wisdom teeth are out, jaw is officially hurting.

job interview tomorrow 11am.
yipee.

GREAT NEWS.

during a conversation with a friend about school, I had an epiphany.

drumroll.......

Here is what I want to do with my life, as revealed by skype:
[please don't take this too seriously...coughmomcough]


Erin Dean: oh!
Erin Dean: guess what!

Christy Hoffmann: what??

Erin Dean: i might have a clue of what to do with college

Christy Hoffmann: oh weally?

Erin Dean: well, im closer lol
Erin Dean: i was looking up the requirements for all the majors and stuff
Erin Dean: im one class away from having a theater minor and a coincidental creative writing minor
Erin Dean: so i was like shoot i should just make it an IDS major and be like... i wanna be a screeenwriter...?

Christy Hoffmann: yeah!

Erin Dean: i mean i feel like it would be fun and if it got approved id be out of there in a year
Erin Dean: so im thinking either that or i might try social work rather than teaching

Christy Hoffmann: how come?

Erin Dean: cuz i love english and all but the reason i wanna be a teacher is for the interaction and helping the kids more than being excited about the material and ive always wanted to be involved with a group for underprivileged kids or like inner city after school programs
Erin Dean: so that might be better

Christy Hoffmann: canʻt you do that in a teaching environment?

Erin Dean: yeah but then i have to make them do homework and stuff
Erin Dean: and then grade it
Erin Dean: id rather play board games with them

Christy Hoffmann: lol
Christy Hoffmann: good reason

Erin Dean: ill start a new boys and girls club called "lets play some board games"

Christy Hoffmann: letʻs play clue: a inner-city initiative to solve real crimes from the streets while providing kids with a safe environment

Erin Dean: you are amazing.
Erin Dean: im cutting you in



there you have it, my future.

for as much as I've done this summer, I'm really surprised I haven't been writing on here more. I don't know, everything has been very fun and memorable, but nothing I feel particularly inclined to write about. I'm not sure if it's because I can't think of something interesting to say aside from just recounting details of trips and adventures or if I'm just content enough with everything that I don't need this outlet anymore.
whatever it is, I don't like that I've stopped writing. I'm not academically-minded at the moment because i know I don't have to be. I came home in April knowing I wouldn't return to school for another two years. That alone is a strange feeling.

Every fall since 1995 I've started preparing for the school year. I have always been in school. I'm not sure what it will feel like to not attend class, not have homework, not worry about grades. And since becoming accustomed to school away from home, it's definitely been an adjustment living at home for this long. I guess I can only say I expect it to be....strange.
It's a completely new experience.
Bur whether it's good or bad, I hope it doesn't last long. I'm really eager to just have my mission papers turned in the first week of October, and then be on my way as soon as possible.

Here's the Situation.

All right, I been busy. It is what it is. Also I had absolutely nothing I felt inclined to blog about, but I've missed it and been looking for something I felt excited enough to write about.

So instead of taking out the trash like I should be, or going to bed like I should be, I'm going to tell you how much I love....


wait for it....








that's right! Jersey Shore!

There is absolutely no way to fully explain why or how I love that show. It's kind of a guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty about at all. In fact I sort of revel in it and flaunt it because for some reason or other, people never expect me to love the show so much.
In fact, as I type, I'm watching/mostly listening to Season 2 [Miami].
This show. Gosh, sometimes it leaves me speechless. It's just... perfection. The epitome of everything that could possibly be wrong with the generation, showcased in the best way.

wow, sorry, got sucked in. Snooki just had camera time and said, I kid you not, "They're being sympathetic. Yeah, sympathetic. Word of the day, sympathetic."
If you didn't laugh something is wrong with you. Her ignorance is astounding to the point of being adorable.

She also has gems like this one:


On the topic of being hilariously quotable, Pauly D is also quite the comedian. It's not so much the words he says as the facial expression and tone of voice combo that are better than a classic burger and fries.
"Cabs are here"
"T-shirt time"
and this one, are just a few priceless Pauly D moments.
and goodness, that hair. I'm not sure where he gets his gel but I'm fairly certain it's stronger than cement, just sayin. I've never once caught a glimpse of his hair in any other shape. Amazing.
There are so many funny moments that I forget them all so quickly and have to just continue watching the episodes over and over again.



But seriously, the entire cast interacting with each other is what it's all about. While Snooki, Pauly D, Mike the Situation, and the Ron/Sammy crazystorm are entertaining on their own, the best parts come out of the entire cast being together. All the drunken mistakes and nights out at Karma brought them so close. Deep down they really are just one big happy not at all dysfunctional family. As pictured below.


haha did you love it? That's my favorite picture of the cast. Yes I have a favorite out of all of them.

Well anyway, the main reason for this post is to express to all 12 of you just how excited I am for the premiere of the fourth season, shot in Italy. A high school acquaintance, and facebook friend, of mine spent the spring/summer in Firenze doing I'm not sure what, but a lot of sight seeing and girls' nights out were involved. I love Europe so while I was stalking her pictures I witnessed something amazing.
You know that six degrees of separation thing? I'm officially only two degrees away from the cast of Jersey Shore. [one degree? I dunno how that system works, but I'm one person away] That's right folks. Amongst all those pictures of beautiful Italian buildings and toasting at dinner were pictures in a night club where the cast were partying. She had pictures of all of them! I hadn't envied someone like that since I found out in the fifth grade that my neighbor is related to Justin Timberlake. Fifth cousin twice removed? Still counts!
Screw amazing experiences having to do with living in Italy for a summer, she got to meet the cast of Jersey Shore. THAT is truly once in a lifetime. Italy will always be there. Except maybe Venice in a few decades...

Whether they or anyone else likes it or not, the Jersey Shore cast are always going to be in my heart. My obsession with them is worse than Helga's with Hey Arnold. Next thing you know I'll have busts of each of them sculpted out of gum hiding in my closet. [That really always creeped me out about Helga. How are you that level of creeper at such a young age??]

So to conclude, I might be somewhat well-adjusted for social appearances, but I go bat-sh*t crazy every time the 30 second promos come on MTV.
I scream every time.

I hope you all will join me in spirit Thursday, August 4th, for Jersdays 4.0
and yes I will be skipping institute to watch it. Hope that's not my last straw for damnation...