aloha oe.

What we call the beginning is often the end.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
- T. S. Eliot

today,
and this next week:


gonna be divine.

summer songs

random thoughts.

I can't stop listening to country and british pop

edamame is delicious

today people have made me feel really good about myself

I love orange and pink together

my whole body mimics the temperature of my feet

I've been looking into film school

one of my favorite feelings is the feeling of summertime. ya know, carefree, full of laughter, windows down, music blasting, smiling from ear to ear, sort of thing. I'm making a playlist of songs that capture that feeling.
so far I've got :
Bruno Mars- Marry You
The Maine- Growing Up
Mayday Parade- Kids In Love
Jessie J- Price Tag
Neon Trees- Animal
Rascal Flatts- Summer Nights
We The Kings & Demi Lavato- We'll Be a Dream
LMFAO- Yes

suggestions anyone?

happy times.

did you have a marvelous weekend?
I did.

I've been floating on, happy as can be, for the past week or so.
I go home in 12 days :]

ya know, I really am excited to get out of here, but I feel so much better about leaving now. some major, outlook-on-life shaping stuff has been going on the past week and I feel rejuvenated.
I was so excited for General Conference this weekend, and in the first few talks I heard so many things that I needed to be reminded of. I'm feeling really close to God right now, and have for the last little while.
I'm at peace. this semester was a huge funk for me, and it showed in so many things, my social life, my academic success, my fervor for everything. it's actually more like a lack thereof in all categories. but for now, the Big Man and I, we're on great terms.

I've mentioned before that I don't handle change well, but this one is going to be good. While I wish I could take all my friends back with me, I'm so anxious to just get to what I know I'm supposed to be doing. two weeks from now I'll be at home, spending time with family, and hopefully working, and most importantly, getting ready for my mission.
did I mention that I am extremely excited for that?? because I am.
I've known for almost a year that going on a mission is something that I'm going to do, something that I need to do. waiting to be old enough has been a pain in the butt, but it's getting closer!!!
even though where I'm going and what it will be like is still a huge mystery, I'm not even worried, I know it's going to be the best thing I'll do in my life, if not just my life thus far.

I can turn in my mission papers in:
51 days.

buttercream.

I had no idea, but today someone made me see.
two and a half years. what must you have thought of me?
november 6th has always been so dear to my heart, but only now do I completely understand its significance.
I can't even comprehend all the things that were happening to you and all the pros and cons you had to weigh.
I still feel slightly justified in wanting to be a part of that consideration.
tonight I realized that those words at the beach were your sign to me that I had been. that even though your decision wasn't the one I wanted, you still wouldn't leave this place without giving me my own specific goodbye.
I may not know the details of how those things work, but something tells me you went above and beyond. I feel incredibly blessed.
how could I possibly thank you enough?
I am so painfully sorry that it took me this long to understand you, my favorite of them all, and your final words to me.
I hope that you can forgive my ignorance.
I love you just as much as always.
I cant wait to see you again, but in the meantime, I'm ready to let go.

fail.

hey friends, it's been a while.
I'd say I was busy... but really I just had nothing to say.

this semester has been somewhat bitter-sweet.
I didn't want to even come back to school this semester so that I could work and save up for my mission, but I accepted that I had to come back. I tried to sign myself up for classes that I still needed but wouldn't add significantly to the stress of being here. I still had my job to add fun and money to the semester. I even got excited at the possibility of new things to come while I was back home for christmas.
but then I came back, and about two weeks in, I fell into a serious funk. the semester has had numerous good times and enjoyable, memorable moments, but most of them superficial. in addition:
I have been sick so many times this semester. cold/cough. back problems. strep. mono. cold/cough again. it's insane. the play I was in took up all of my free time in weekends making it impossible to do anything really worthwhile with friends or get out of laie. I spent the majority of the past months in serious anxiety stressing over whether to stay for spring. my mind has been completely out of focus and I've had no motivation to better myself at all the past three months.

it's awful.

I don't think I've ever wasted so much of my own time in my life. I've barely been productive, I've barely done anything fun, I've barely spent enough time with the people I love.


I'm sitting here right now, thinking about the fact that there are two weeks left in the semester, wondering what the hell I've done with my time and how it went by so quickly.

relief.

I have been unbelievably anxious this semester. so many things are just crazy. classes aren't going well, they're so much more hectic than expected. the play took up all of my saturdays, no beach adventures this semester. and also I'm freaking out about getting ready for my mission.

but today I feel at peace.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time and vented and hyperventilated to her a little. she helped me come to a definite decision about how to handle the next three months and what I'm doing with my time. school, work, hawaii, home, etc.

things are good. I feel good. optimistic even.
I think the biggest obstacle was coming to terms with making such a big change.

but I am looking forward, and looking ahead. I finally feel completely at peace with the decision I've made.

6 weeks :]