I know that everyone has their craziness or little idiosyncrasies that make them somewhat weird or unusual. And I understand that seeing as everyone in the world has those, it's somewhat acceptable to be open and honest with yourself and others about their existence. And I thought I was.
Apparently not.
Seeing as I have a mere three weeks left until I enter the Missionary Training Center, it's about that time to pack up everything I own. While I was sorting through my amateur version of a hoarder room [filled with way too many pictures, movie ticket stubs, and other things I had deemed highly sentimental in my teen years], I came upon my high school journals.
Let me explain my history with journals. Except for my Sophomore and the first half of Junior years at BYUH, when my journaling was consistent, insightful, and [somewhat] classy, every journal I have ever had goes a little something like this:
First page: An explanation that I am once again very bad at writing in my journal and my goal to actually stay with it this time around. The next few entries are consistent and I seem to write at least every couple of days. Then the entries start to deplete. Not only are they further apart, they are much shorter. If nothing else, the carelessness increase can be shown and probably scientifically charted by the decrease in my handwriting quality as I turn the pages. Then come the entries that end mid-sentence. Then the ones with less than a paragraph. Throughout the journal are lists. Endless lists. Packing lists, lists of people I'm mad at, lists of people to invite to my party, career possibility lists. Lists, lots of 'em. Also really bad doodles. And pages upon pages of practicing my handwriting and John Hancock. Lots of empty pages sprinkled in here and there and the occasional awful attempt at song-writing...? Needless to say, my journals aren't very substantial as far as actual journaling. Note: one journal had a start date over a year prior to the last entry. There were 16 entries.
So now that you know the usual pattern, let me just fill you in on how the discovery of said journals is making me realize it's a darn good thing I'm going on a mission and maybe I'll receive a miracle resulting in my transformation to a more internally balanced human being.
My favorite part of finding the journals wasn't even the fact that in every single one the only consistency took place starting with EFY over the summer. So cliche. Let me just say, I thought I was sooooooooooo deep you guys. But beyond that ridiculousness, were the real treasures. "Letters I will never write." First of all, I don't understand why I called it that, seeing as I was writing them. Thank goodness college has taught me the difference in meaning between "write" and "send."
These letters though. Oh my goodness, they were so intense. Apparently I really was as awful as people though I was in high school because I was absolutely hateful to these people. My favorite one is the letter I wrote to Billy. I had not only a few, but a plethora of choice words for this kid. I let him have it. And in my defense, although completely idiotic overall, the letters were very articulate. Billy wouldn't have had any self-esteem left if I had really "written" that letter. What started to happen though is about half way through the letter I realized I had no memory of this person whatsoever. NONE. I even went to facebook to see who I know from high school named Billy. Yeah...no one. Whaaaaaaaaaaat? So now I'm extremely confused and somewhat intrigued by this Billy character, but more importantly I'm very concerned about my mental stability. Apparently I need anger management as evidenced by a letter to someone I can't even remember!
This journal exploration was kind of horrifying for my view of myself as a teenager. I was seriously a weirdo. I guess I was pretty good at hiding the extent of it though because at least I was only saying these things in a journal and still sat with a full lunch table. I'm not sure how that was the case, but thank goodness for it. I think later today I'll check the attic for my journals from the 90's. I'm pretty sure those will have some real gems.
Before you go, if anyone knows of a Billy that I did NOT like in high school [roughly junior year], please tell me any details you can remember.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
A Smile From Caleb.
So as most people who know me know, this past fall I assistant directed the play at my high school. It was such an amazing experience and looking back I'm really sad I didn't write about it more. However, something occurred after one of the performances that resonated in me so much that I literally came home and felt like I would burst if I didn't write about it. It was one of those things you can't bury or forget, you have to express it because it was so personal and beautiful.
That said, this is probably really cheesy and that's okay, but this is just the first version of what I had to get out about my experience. I've just let it sit since then really because I didn't know if I wanted people to see it, but I went to see the winter play tonight and it echoed this same feeling so I thought I'd share it.
[but really.... it's not written all that well, don't judge too harshly if even in your minds lol]
On Thursday night I had a moment. You know, one of those moments when time pauses for the briefest of seconds, and you silently inventory the things around you, and you think to yourself, "this is it. this is happiness. this is fulfillment. this is peace." Ya know, one of those moments.
The moment caught me by surprise, as most of those moments do, when one Caleb Metcalf ran into the auditorium from offstage-right, down the platforms, jumped over the orchestra pit, and tackled Purdy in a hug. He then pulled away, seemed to let a sigh of contentment, and his mouth spread into the biggest, purest, most genuine and enormous smile I have ever seen on his face. I'm not sure that he was aware of his expression, but I caught it. In that smile, and in his eyes, was the most pure gift a teacher can receive.
Let me pause to elaborate. Rewind to the day of the initial audition. The Westminster auditorium is filled with students, excited and nervous to try out for their first attempt at Shakespeare. Calling students up in pairs, Ms. Purdy and I sat in the middle row, making notes and preliminary decisions. Auditions were going surprisingly well, the students rising to the challenge of the Bard's dialogue. The next pair took the stage, and began the scene. My mind went blank in awe. I turned to Purdy, "what is that boy's name?" Caleb Metcalf. Sophomore. WHS theater newcomer. In that moment, before I knew him and before he even finished the read-through, he was already cast in my mind. I knew he was a young lover. Whether Demetrius or Lysander I wasn't sure it mattered, but I was bound and determined that all of my pull as Assistant Director would go to getting him one of those parts. The next day's callbacks proved my first impression and Purdy and I knew he was our Lysander.
Throughout the show, Caleb remained quiet. He was dedicated, focused, and, I believe, a bit intimidated by his senior cast-mates. Purdy and I were more impressed than surprised that he was the first to be completely off-book, and not just days, but weeks before the rest of the cast, some with smaller parts and more experience. While certainly talented and a pleasure to have in rehearsal, Caleb was still quiet, a hard shell to crack. We could never quite figure him out. Out of character, his face does not display much emotion, his tone very level, and his humor undiscovered. The most I'd spied of Caleb while the rest of the cast goofed off and joked was a small, slightly raised smile. Nothing more. As I tried to develop relationships with most of the cast, Caleb became somewhat of a stumbling block. I could not figure this boy out. The cast held every type of personality with every type of humor, yet most of what came from Caleb was stoic, serious, sarcastic on a good day, humor. His dry wit and his reservation to join in when breaking character made him seem so serious, and I had no idea how to approach joking around with him.
One day in rehearsal, during the scene in which all four young lovers are quarreling, hilarity broke out, as per usual. While jokes were cracked that caused even myself and Purdy to pause and laugh, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a smile and my ears caught a hint of something unfamiliar. I almost couldn't believe it. Caleb was laughing. Not just smiling, but laughing. The SOUND of laughter coming from his mouth, the glint of laughter shining in his eyes. I pointed this out and an even greater collective laugh was given by the rest of us. We had finally gotten him to feel comfortable and at ease enough to do something as simple as laugh during his time with us. From then on, Caleb was usually a part of the joke, really joining in, allowing his personality to emerge. For a while he had been taken under Ben's wing. Ben is a senior, his character rival, and one of the funniest bastard's you'll ever meet. While I joked with Purdy that this could lead to trouble, aka another Ben, we were both so pleased. Through Caleb, I was getting a glimpse of what teachers are always saying about how the money sucks, but the rewards are incredible.
Seeing Caleb's smile thursday night was like pressing rewind. I could see on his face every emotion I'd felt my first fall show. The end of opening night is such a rush, such an accomplishment. The adrenaline and the stage lights make you feel like your soul is infinite and your possibilities are endless. The confidence you gain in those moments are priceless. You believe in yourself, in your talent, in your options, in your goals. I've often missed that rush of excitement and drive after a show. And being on the other side of a production for the first time, I was blindsided by how much sweeter it tastes seeing something that made you so happy manifest itself in a student you have seen grow and blossom throughout your time with him. The rewards of the past three nights far outweigh every minute of rehearsals I didn't want to attend, every poke of a needle while sewing costumes, every stress dream in Shakespearean dialect, and every second of worry and anxiety put into the show. The entire cast of 26, smiling and laughing, feeling so accomplished and elated, it made my heart want to melt. Every bit of what helping those kids has made me feel was simplified, condensed, and put into it's purest form and intensified, the moment I saw Caleb dash out from behind the curtain and finish with the kind of smile I know he felt from within his heart to the entirety of the auditorium.
That said, this is probably really cheesy and that's okay, but this is just the first version of what I had to get out about my experience. I've just let it sit since then really because I didn't know if I wanted people to see it, but I went to see the winter play tonight and it echoed this same feeling so I thought I'd share it.
[but really.... it's not written all that well, don't judge too harshly if even in your minds lol]
On Thursday night I had a moment. You know, one of those moments when time pauses for the briefest of seconds, and you silently inventory the things around you, and you think to yourself, "this is it. this is happiness. this is fulfillment. this is peace." Ya know, one of those moments.
The moment caught me by surprise, as most of those moments do, when one Caleb Metcalf ran into the auditorium from offstage-right, down the platforms, jumped over the orchestra pit, and tackled Purdy in a hug. He then pulled away, seemed to let a sigh of contentment, and his mouth spread into the biggest, purest, most genuine and enormous smile I have ever seen on his face. I'm not sure that he was aware of his expression, but I caught it. In that smile, and in his eyes, was the most pure gift a teacher can receive.
Let me pause to elaborate. Rewind to the day of the initial audition. The Westminster auditorium is filled with students, excited and nervous to try out for their first attempt at Shakespeare. Calling students up in pairs, Ms. Purdy and I sat in the middle row, making notes and preliminary decisions. Auditions were going surprisingly well, the students rising to the challenge of the Bard's dialogue. The next pair took the stage, and began the scene. My mind went blank in awe. I turned to Purdy, "what is that boy's name?" Caleb Metcalf. Sophomore. WHS theater newcomer. In that moment, before I knew him and before he even finished the read-through, he was already cast in my mind. I knew he was a young lover. Whether Demetrius or Lysander I wasn't sure it mattered, but I was bound and determined that all of my pull as Assistant Director would go to getting him one of those parts. The next day's callbacks proved my first impression and Purdy and I knew he was our Lysander.
Throughout the show, Caleb remained quiet. He was dedicated, focused, and, I believe, a bit intimidated by his senior cast-mates. Purdy and I were more impressed than surprised that he was the first to be completely off-book, and not just days, but weeks before the rest of the cast, some with smaller parts and more experience. While certainly talented and a pleasure to have in rehearsal, Caleb was still quiet, a hard shell to crack. We could never quite figure him out. Out of character, his face does not display much emotion, his tone very level, and his humor undiscovered. The most I'd spied of Caleb while the rest of the cast goofed off and joked was a small, slightly raised smile. Nothing more. As I tried to develop relationships with most of the cast, Caleb became somewhat of a stumbling block. I could not figure this boy out. The cast held every type of personality with every type of humor, yet most of what came from Caleb was stoic, serious, sarcastic on a good day, humor. His dry wit and his reservation to join in when breaking character made him seem so serious, and I had no idea how to approach joking around with him.
One day in rehearsal, during the scene in which all four young lovers are quarreling, hilarity broke out, as per usual. While jokes were cracked that caused even myself and Purdy to pause and laugh, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a smile and my ears caught a hint of something unfamiliar. I almost couldn't believe it. Caleb was laughing. Not just smiling, but laughing. The SOUND of laughter coming from his mouth, the glint of laughter shining in his eyes. I pointed this out and an even greater collective laugh was given by the rest of us. We had finally gotten him to feel comfortable and at ease enough to do something as simple as laugh during his time with us. From then on, Caleb was usually a part of the joke, really joining in, allowing his personality to emerge. For a while he had been taken under Ben's wing. Ben is a senior, his character rival, and one of the funniest bastard's you'll ever meet. While I joked with Purdy that this could lead to trouble, aka another Ben, we were both so pleased. Through Caleb, I was getting a glimpse of what teachers are always saying about how the money sucks, but the rewards are incredible.
Seeing Caleb's smile thursday night was like pressing rewind. I could see on his face every emotion I'd felt my first fall show. The end of opening night is such a rush, such an accomplishment. The adrenaline and the stage lights make you feel like your soul is infinite and your possibilities are endless. The confidence you gain in those moments are priceless. You believe in yourself, in your talent, in your options, in your goals. I've often missed that rush of excitement and drive after a show. And being on the other side of a production for the first time, I was blindsided by how much sweeter it tastes seeing something that made you so happy manifest itself in a student you have seen grow and blossom throughout your time with him. The rewards of the past three nights far outweigh every minute of rehearsals I didn't want to attend, every poke of a needle while sewing costumes, every stress dream in Shakespearean dialect, and every second of worry and anxiety put into the show. The entire cast of 26, smiling and laughing, feeling so accomplished and elated, it made my heart want to melt. Every bit of what helping those kids has made me feel was simplified, condensed, and put into it's purest form and intensified, the moment I saw Caleb dash out from behind the curtain and finish with the kind of smile I know he felt from within his heart to the entirety of the auditorium.
Monday, January 23, 2012
So not ready...
to be a mother.
goodness gracious.
I can't even take care of teenagers without things going horribly wrong. No one trust me to have infants.
I take one Sunday nap and wake up to find the 14 year old I'm staying with has taken three pain killers. Wonderful.
Obviously caregiving is my specialty....
Monday, January 9, 2012
pathetic sobs.
I'm not usually one for being a female cliche, and it's only recently that emotional things have a huge impact on me.
But if for any reason you want your heart to be ripped out of your chest and replaced with a permanent, gaping, throbbing hole of painful emptiness...
watch this movie
But if for any reason you want your heart to be ripped out of your chest and replaced with a permanent, gaping, throbbing hole of painful emptiness...
watch this movie
Saturday, December 31, 2011
blurg.
Ah, jeez.
You know what I hate to love? Discovering new blogs. As an English major/writing nerd, deep down I get so excited when I find a new blog full of all those wonderful posts I can't wait to read. I sit there for hours and essentially stalk the online life of some new stranger and whatever they felt like sharing about their life because they're so dang funny and they have such good written communication skills [one of the 7 necessary to be a successful human being according to my 10th grade English teacher. it's number 3.] that I can't stop!
Blogs are kind of like my heroin in that way.
Actually, that simile isn't completely accurate. I think what's more true is blogs are kind of like my version of bulimia. It's not just that I'm continuously addicted to reading blogs and meandering through the internet. What happens to me is I find something new and exciting in the blog world and then I binge and binge and binge on it because it's so intellectually delicious that I can't stop and then days or weeks later I hit a plateau and I purge myself of that particular thing for a while until I need to return or find a new scintillating site to scarf.
Yeah, that's more accurate. It's a binge and purge thing.
Guess what folks, while I love to stimulate my mind and laugh hysterically, after the initial enjoyment hits, there's this wave of horror. I think it's Jiminy Cricket talking to me, because he says it in that stupid voice that makes you so angry because of how right and genuine it is. But inside my head I hear, "You haven't posted anything in a long time. You haven't posted anything worthwhile in waaaaay longer than that. You should probably decide if you want to take blogging seriously for once like you always tell yourself you're going to."
And then I start to resent that beautiful new blog that I loved so much, and hence my plateau.
Today I found a new blog thanks to my friend Christy, and I heard Jiminy within reading three posts. this is what he said, "His writing is so witty, and sharp. I really love his tone and style. Too bad none of the stuff you write is like this. What has it been? weeks since your last few posts? and wasn't it months before those?"
Did you notice his judgmental tone? I didn't like hearing Jiminy today. Especially not on New Year's Eve, when I'm supposed to reevaluate my life and what not.
But I guess making a resolution to become a better blogger is certainly more attainable than the other resolutions most of us like to joke that we'll keep. Or start.
Yeah, I think I'll stick with dedicating myself to being a better blogger as my resolution. Because let's be real. Any of you reading this know I'll be back at Taco Bell next week, or I'll waste money on some new purse I don't need right before a mission, or I'll rationalize watching just one of my melodrama/reality shows instead of giving them all up. We all know it would start with Jersey Shore and I'd be right back to where I am.
So instead of changing any of that, I'm just gonna write about it more.
You know what I hate to love? Discovering new blogs. As an English major/writing nerd, deep down I get so excited when I find a new blog full of all those wonderful posts I can't wait to read. I sit there for hours and essentially stalk the online life of some new stranger and whatever they felt like sharing about their life because they're so dang funny and they have such good written communication skills [one of the 7 necessary to be a successful human being according to my 10th grade English teacher. it's number 3.] that I can't stop!
Blogs are kind of like my heroin in that way.
Actually, that simile isn't completely accurate. I think what's more true is blogs are kind of like my version of bulimia. It's not just that I'm continuously addicted to reading blogs and meandering through the internet. What happens to me is I find something new and exciting in the blog world and then I binge and binge and binge on it because it's so intellectually delicious that I can't stop and then days or weeks later I hit a plateau and I purge myself of that particular thing for a while until I need to return or find a new scintillating site to scarf.
Yeah, that's more accurate. It's a binge and purge thing.
Guess what folks, while I love to stimulate my mind and laugh hysterically, after the initial enjoyment hits, there's this wave of horror. I think it's Jiminy Cricket talking to me, because he says it in that stupid voice that makes you so angry because of how right and genuine it is. But inside my head I hear, "You haven't posted anything in a long time. You haven't posted anything worthwhile in waaaaay longer than that. You should probably decide if you want to take blogging seriously for once like you always tell yourself you're going to."
And then I start to resent that beautiful new blog that I loved so much, and hence my plateau.
Today I found a new blog thanks to my friend Christy, and I heard Jiminy within reading three posts. this is what he said, "His writing is so witty, and sharp. I really love his tone and style. Too bad none of the stuff you write is like this. What has it been? weeks since your last few posts? and wasn't it months before those?"
Did you notice his judgmental tone? I didn't like hearing Jiminy today. Especially not on New Year's Eve, when I'm supposed to reevaluate my life and what not.
But I guess making a resolution to become a better blogger is certainly more attainable than the other resolutions most of us like to joke that we'll keep. Or start.
Yeah, I think I'll stick with dedicating myself to being a better blogger as my resolution. Because let's be real. Any of you reading this know I'll be back at Taco Bell next week, or I'll waste money on some new purse I don't need right before a mission, or I'll rationalize watching just one of my melodrama/reality shows instead of giving them all up. We all know it would start with Jersey Shore and I'd be right back to where I am.
So instead of changing any of that, I'm just gonna write about it more.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
It really is a Wonderful Life.
Busy, Busy, Busy.
But in the moments I'm allowed to claim, I'm looking back. I'm stepping into the still-somewhat-unknown. For the first time, I'm looking ahead the right way-- by looking around.
For me it's always been about living in remembrance or vicariously. I tend to look behind and pick and choose the happy moments to validate the claim that "my life used to be good or happy or simple" or to put others on pedestals and aspire to dreams that seem ideal but are not truly my own.
I'm starting new though, I'm figuring myself out. I'm doing things that are simple, uninspired, mediocre at best, but that make me genuinely happy for my circumstances right now.
Whether it's volunteering for a high school theater production, working retail times two, driving 40 minutes to the smallest social circle I've had thus far, or driving around the beautiful county roads by myself, I'm finding that even my pessimism and automatic cranky disposition can't even mask the true happiness I feel.
I once wrote about this strange, foreign person residing in my brain, wanting to change my perspectives. I feel like she's still there, but we've come to a peaceful compromise. There are still so many life changes ahead of me, but they're still ahead rather than here.
This year has been about perspective, not about patience or punishment.
On that note, I suggest you all go find your most cozy blanket, sip some cocoa, and sit down to enjoy one of the following movies
But in the moments I'm allowed to claim, I'm looking back. I'm stepping into the still-somewhat-unknown. For the first time, I'm looking ahead the right way-- by looking around.
For me it's always been about living in remembrance or vicariously. I tend to look behind and pick and choose the happy moments to validate the claim that "my life used to be good or happy or simple" or to put others on pedestals and aspire to dreams that seem ideal but are not truly my own.
I'm starting new though, I'm figuring myself out. I'm doing things that are simple, uninspired, mediocre at best, but that make me genuinely happy for my circumstances right now.
Whether it's volunteering for a high school theater production, working retail times two, driving 40 minutes to the smallest social circle I've had thus far, or driving around the beautiful county roads by myself, I'm finding that even my pessimism and automatic cranky disposition can't even mask the true happiness I feel.
I once wrote about this strange, foreign person residing in my brain, wanting to change my perspectives. I feel like she's still there, but we've come to a peaceful compromise. There are still so many life changes ahead of me, but they're still ahead rather than here.
This year has been about perspective, not about patience or punishment.
On that note, I suggest you all go find your most cozy blanket, sip some cocoa, and sit down to enjoy one of the following movies
Monday, October 31, 2011
I called it.
I probably can't do a lot of justice in writing to the changes that have taken place since coming home.
I spent the summer with family and friends, and when fall came I stayed right where I was. No packing, no airplanes, no classes.
And despite it being surreal that I'm home in Westminster with changing leaves, colder weather, and even snow, rather than back at the sandy, sunshiny, beach with groups of close friends, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.
My patience is definitely being tried. Today marks three weeks and one day since my mission papers went in. I am itching to know what my future holds but most of all when it will start. That's the only part that frustrates me. Many people I know of who've recently gotten their calls don't leave until the spring. That's enough time for another semester!
Do I stay here where I'm happy but bored, or risk going back to unhappiness just to actually be accomplishing something? So many questions.
What's great though, is that I can already tell I'm becoming a new person. I find so little to complain about anymore and I'm content to roll with the punches as they come. That's pretty unusual for me. But don't get me wrong, I love it.
So although my day-to-day is much more low-key, and I'm often bored and lazy, the nights out with friends, the ysa activities, the afternoons at rehearsal, and even working, have added peace to my life.
I'm happy. So happy. I just feel... joyous.
Life is looking great, and I'm so thrilled I followed the guidance to serve a mission. Everything just feels right, and my faith and acceptance in following instructions has grown so much.
Maybe I'm crazy to say I didn't like Hawaii, or to blame any unhappiness on the fact that I was there, but there is no denying the fact that here I am in Maryland, the happiest I've been since high school.
I spent the summer with family and friends, and when fall came I stayed right where I was. No packing, no airplanes, no classes.
And despite it being surreal that I'm home in Westminster with changing leaves, colder weather, and even snow, rather than back at the sandy, sunshiny, beach with groups of close friends, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.
My patience is definitely being tried. Today marks three weeks and one day since my mission papers went in. I am itching to know what my future holds but most of all when it will start. That's the only part that frustrates me. Many people I know of who've recently gotten their calls don't leave until the spring. That's enough time for another semester!
Do I stay here where I'm happy but bored, or risk going back to unhappiness just to actually be accomplishing something? So many questions.
What's great though, is that I can already tell I'm becoming a new person. I find so little to complain about anymore and I'm content to roll with the punches as they come. That's pretty unusual for me. But don't get me wrong, I love it.
So although my day-to-day is much more low-key, and I'm often bored and lazy, the nights out with friends, the ysa activities, the afternoons at rehearsal, and even working, have added peace to my life.
I'm happy. So happy. I just feel... joyous.
Life is looking great, and I'm so thrilled I followed the guidance to serve a mission. Everything just feels right, and my faith and acceptance in following instructions has grown so much.
Maybe I'm crazy to say I didn't like Hawaii, or to blame any unhappiness on the fact that I was there, but there is no denying the fact that here I am in Maryland, the happiest I've been since high school.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
a rollercoaster of sorts.
Today was rather intense.
The three year anniversary of the accident that took Matt and Caitlin's lives is this week. The family held a graveside gathering for family and friends to honor the anniversary and to let everyone come out and see the newly-placed gravestone and bench.
The poem on the side is actually one that I framed, along with pictures of Matt and Caitlin, and gave to the family. I was so unbelievably touched when their mom, Michelle, told me it meant so much to them that it was permanently a part of their memory.
What's especially significant about this anniversary for me is that I'm actually home. When the accident occurred, I was half-way through my first semester of college in Hawaii, and wasn't able to come home for any part of it. Not Matt's funeral, not during Caitlin's two weeks in the hospital, and not her funeral. The funerals along with the anniversary ceremonies, were all relayed by family and friends. Everything I knew of them was second-hand. Don't get me wrong, the events sounded amazing, heartbreaking, therapeutic, and filled with love, but I hadn't really experienced any of it for myself. Today I was surrounded by family and friends who were all just as effected by their passing as I was. I found so much comfort and strength in finally being a part of it all. I finally feel like my healing process is complete.
At the graveside, the parents mentioned that a former classmate of Matt's is creating a documentary about the accident, the impact, and the long-lasting effects still felt today. He interviewed the family throughout the weekend and was filming the gathering. They extended the offer that if anyone would like to sit with Nate and tell their experience and let him ask a few questions, they would love to have us involved.
I in now way intended to offer an interview with this person I had only heard of from high school, but of course, their dad approached me privately and asked if I would be willing to sit and talk with Nate and tell my story because it would mean a lot to the family. Who could say no to that?
He asked questions like how would you describe their personalities, what did you do together, can you tell me about the morning of the accident, what was your experience while Caitlin was in the hospital, how was the ceremony earlier for you as your first time being back, what is it like with them gone, what have you learned from this, what do you miss most about them, and what advice would you give people in relation to this situation?
My experience was really very different than the other friends that were interviewed. I wasn't here, I didn't have anyone else around me grieving, I didn't go through the pain of attending their funerals. But I struggled with handling such a deep loss on my own, with not saying goodbye while my loved ones did, and with missing out on something that brought all of my friends so close together.
I honestly don't even remember half of what I said, and I'm pretty sure I rambled a lot, but what I do know is that recalling the details of my emotions surrounding their deaths wasn't fun- I maybe started heading for breakdown mode a little but gained my composure eventually- but I genuinely hope that Nate is able to make the documentary into something beautiful that will lift spirits and touch hearts and change perspectives. That was the kind of effect Matt and Caitlin had on every person they met, and I know it will translate into remembering them through this film.
The three year anniversary of the accident that took Matt and Caitlin's lives is this week. The family held a graveside gathering for family and friends to honor the anniversary and to let everyone come out and see the newly-placed gravestone and bench.
The poem on the side is actually one that I framed, along with pictures of Matt and Caitlin, and gave to the family. I was so unbelievably touched when their mom, Michelle, told me it meant so much to them that it was permanently a part of their memory.
What's especially significant about this anniversary for me is that I'm actually home. When the accident occurred, I was half-way through my first semester of college in Hawaii, and wasn't able to come home for any part of it. Not Matt's funeral, not during Caitlin's two weeks in the hospital, and not her funeral. The funerals along with the anniversary ceremonies, were all relayed by family and friends. Everything I knew of them was second-hand. Don't get me wrong, the events sounded amazing, heartbreaking, therapeutic, and filled with love, but I hadn't really experienced any of it for myself. Today I was surrounded by family and friends who were all just as effected by their passing as I was. I found so much comfort and strength in finally being a part of it all. I finally feel like my healing process is complete.
At the graveside, the parents mentioned that a former classmate of Matt's is creating a documentary about the accident, the impact, and the long-lasting effects still felt today. He interviewed the family throughout the weekend and was filming the gathering. They extended the offer that if anyone would like to sit with Nate and tell their experience and let him ask a few questions, they would love to have us involved.
I in now way intended to offer an interview with this person I had only heard of from high school, but of course, their dad approached me privately and asked if I would be willing to sit and talk with Nate and tell my story because it would mean a lot to the family. Who could say no to that?
He asked questions like how would you describe their personalities, what did you do together, can you tell me about the morning of the accident, what was your experience while Caitlin was in the hospital, how was the ceremony earlier for you as your first time being back, what is it like with them gone, what have you learned from this, what do you miss most about them, and what advice would you give people in relation to this situation?
My experience was really very different than the other friends that were interviewed. I wasn't here, I didn't have anyone else around me grieving, I didn't go through the pain of attending their funerals. But I struggled with handling such a deep loss on my own, with not saying goodbye while my loved ones did, and with missing out on something that brought all of my friends so close together.
I honestly don't even remember half of what I said, and I'm pretty sure I rambled a lot, but what I do know is that recalling the details of my emotions surrounding their deaths wasn't fun- I maybe started heading for breakdown mode a little but gained my composure eventually- but I genuinely hope that Nate is able to make the documentary into something beautiful that will lift spirits and touch hearts and change perspectives. That was the kind of effect Matt and Caitlin had on every person they met, and I know it will translate into remembering them through this film.
Love you guys forever.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I'm going to gloat.
Are you aware that I literally have the best birthday in the year?
I do.
Not only do I share a birthday with Stephen King and comedic genius Bill Murray,
my birthday is also of significance in the LDS religion (Moroni appearing to Joseph Smith).
In addition, my birthday is the perfect placement in avoiding a summer birthday when no one is around to celebrate with you, and being early enough so as not to get mushed in with all the Fall holidays.
Oh but speaking of Fall, my favorite season by the way, I can legitimately say
"It's not Fall until my birthday hits."
That's right. September 21st is the Autumn Equinox. My birthday is literally the start of the best time of year.
See what I mean? I have the best birthday.
I do.
Not only do I share a birthday with Stephen King and comedic genius Bill Murray,
my birthday is also of significance in the LDS religion (Moroni appearing to Joseph Smith).
In addition, my birthday is the perfect placement in avoiding a summer birthday when no one is around to celebrate with you, and being early enough so as not to get mushed in with all the Fall holidays.
Oh but speaking of Fall, my favorite season by the way, I can legitimately say
"It's not Fall until my birthday hits."
That's right. September 21st is the Autumn Equinox. My birthday is literally the start of the best time of year.
See what I mean? I have the best birthday.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Brr!
So I'm recovering from getting my wisdom teeth out this past Thursday. Overall it hasn't been too bad. I was a freakin disaster when I woke up from anesthesia, crying and talking all kinds of nonsense, but after some meds and sleeping it off I felt great.
Yesterday my jaw started to get pretty sore and I've been icing and dosing regularly so it'll subside a little but I get really sore and dizzy from the medicine anyway so I'm not quite back to normal.
So today to bide the time my new good friend Mercedes came over and we made Mac and Cheese, and are currently sitting cozy in bed having a Vampire Diaries marathon!
I love it.
I'm also coloring in my Disney Princess coloring book, because I'm classy and sophisticated, and mature.
Yesterday my jaw started to get pretty sore and I've been icing and dosing regularly so it'll subside a little but I get really sore and dizzy from the medicine anyway so I'm not quite back to normal.
So today to bide the time my new good friend Mercedes came over and we made Mac and Cheese, and are currently sitting cozy in bed having a Vampire Diaries marathon!
I love it.
I'm also coloring in my Disney Princess coloring book, because I'm classy and sophisticated, and mature.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
GREAT NEWS.
during a conversation with a friend about school, I had an epiphany.
drumroll.......
Here is what I want to do with my life, as revealed by skype:
[please don't take this too seriously...coughmomcough]
Erin Dean: oh!
Erin Dean: guess what!
Christy Hoffmann: what??
Erin Dean: i might have a clue of what to do with college
Christy Hoffmann: oh weally?
Erin Dean: well, im closer lol
Erin Dean: i was looking up the requirements for all the majors and stuff
Erin Dean: im one class away from having a theater minor and a coincidental creative writing minor
Erin Dean: so i was like shoot i should just make it an IDS major and be like... i wanna be a screeenwriter...?
Christy Hoffmann: yeah!
Erin Dean: i mean i feel like it would be fun and if it got approved id be out of there in a year
Erin Dean: so im thinking either that or i might try social work rather than teaching
Christy Hoffmann: how come?
Erin Dean: cuz i love english and all but the reason i wanna be a teacher is for the interaction and helping the kids more than being excited about the material and ive always wanted to be involved with a group for underprivileged kids or like inner city after school programs
Erin Dean: so that might be better
Christy Hoffmann: canʻt you do that in a teaching environment?
Erin Dean: yeah but then i have to make them do homework and stuff
Erin Dean: and then grade it
Erin Dean: id rather play board games with them
Christy Hoffmann: lol
Christy Hoffmann: good reason
Erin Dean: ill start a new boys and girls club called "lets play some board games"
Christy Hoffmann: letʻs play clue: a inner-city initiative to solve real crimes from the streets while providing kids with a safe environment
Erin Dean: you are amazing.
Erin Dean: im cutting you in
there you have it, my future.
drumroll.......
Here is what I want to do with my life, as revealed by skype:
[please don't take this too seriously...coughmomcough]
Erin Dean: oh!
Erin Dean: guess what!
Christy Hoffmann: what??
Erin Dean: i might have a clue of what to do with college
Christy Hoffmann: oh weally?
Erin Dean: well, im closer lol
Erin Dean: i was looking up the requirements for all the majors and stuff
Erin Dean: im one class away from having a theater minor and a coincidental creative writing minor
Erin Dean: so i was like shoot i should just make it an IDS major and be like... i wanna be a screeenwriter...?
Christy Hoffmann: yeah!
Erin Dean: i mean i feel like it would be fun and if it got approved id be out of there in a year
Erin Dean: so im thinking either that or i might try social work rather than teaching
Christy Hoffmann: how come?
Erin Dean: cuz i love english and all but the reason i wanna be a teacher is for the interaction and helping the kids more than being excited about the material and ive always wanted to be involved with a group for underprivileged kids or like inner city after school programs
Erin Dean: so that might be better
Christy Hoffmann: canʻt you do that in a teaching environment?
Erin Dean: yeah but then i have to make them do homework and stuff
Erin Dean: and then grade it
Erin Dean: id rather play board games with them
Christy Hoffmann: lol
Christy Hoffmann: good reason
Erin Dean: ill start a new boys and girls club called "lets play some board games"
Christy Hoffmann: letʻs play clue: a inner-city initiative to solve real crimes from the streets while providing kids with a safe environment
Erin Dean: you are amazing.
Erin Dean: im cutting you in
there you have it, my future.
for as much as I've done this summer, I'm really surprised I haven't been writing on here more. I don't know, everything has been very fun and memorable, but nothing I feel particularly inclined to write about. I'm not sure if it's because I can't think of something interesting to say aside from just recounting details of trips and adventures or if I'm just content enough with everything that I don't need this outlet anymore.
whatever it is, I don't like that I've stopped writing. I'm not academically-minded at the moment because i know I don't have to be. I came home in April knowing I wouldn't return to school for another two years. That alone is a strange feeling.
Every fall since 1995 I've started preparing for the school year. I have always been in school. I'm not sure what it will feel like to not attend class, not have homework, not worry about grades. And since becoming accustomed to school away from home, it's definitely been an adjustment living at home for this long. I guess I can only say I expect it to be....strange.
It's a completely new experience.
Bur whether it's good or bad, I hope it doesn't last long. I'm really eager to just have my mission papers turned in the first week of October, and then be on my way as soon as possible.
whatever it is, I don't like that I've stopped writing. I'm not academically-minded at the moment because i know I don't have to be. I came home in April knowing I wouldn't return to school for another two years. That alone is a strange feeling.
Every fall since 1995 I've started preparing for the school year. I have always been in school. I'm not sure what it will feel like to not attend class, not have homework, not worry about grades. And since becoming accustomed to school away from home, it's definitely been an adjustment living at home for this long. I guess I can only say I expect it to be....strange.
It's a completely new experience.
Bur whether it's good or bad, I hope it doesn't last long. I'm really eager to just have my mission papers turned in the first week of October, and then be on my way as soon as possible.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Here's the Situation.
All right, I been busy. It is what it is. Also I had absolutely nothing I felt inclined to blog about, but I've missed it and been looking for something I felt excited enough to write about.
So instead of taking out the trash like I should be, or going to bed like I should be, I'm going to tell you how much I love....
wait for it....
that's right! Jersey Shore!
There is absolutely no way to fully explain why or how I love that show. It's kind of a guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty about at all. In fact I sort of revel in it and flaunt it because for some reason or other, people never expect me to love the show so much.
In fact, as I type, I'm watching/mostly listening to Season 2 [Miami].
This show. Gosh, sometimes it leaves me speechless. It's just... perfection. The epitome of everything that could possibly be wrong with the generation, showcased in the best way.
wow, sorry, got sucked in. Snooki just had camera time and said, I kid you not, "They're being sympathetic. Yeah, sympathetic. Word of the day, sympathetic."
If you didn't laugh something is wrong with you. Her ignorance is astounding to the point of being adorable.
She also has gems like this one:
On the topic of being hilariously quotable, Pauly D is also quite the comedian. It's not so much the words he says as the facial expression and tone of voice combo that are better than a classic burger and fries.
"Cabs are here"
"T-shirt time"
and this one,
are just a few priceless Pauly D moments.
and goodness, that hair. I'm not sure where he gets his gel but I'm fairly certain it's stronger than cement, just sayin. I've never once caught a glimpse of his hair in any other shape. Amazing.
There are so many funny moments that I forget them all so quickly and have to just continue watching the episodes over and over again.
But seriously, the entire cast interacting with each other is what it's all about. While Snooki, Pauly D, Mike the Situation, and the Ron/Sammy crazystorm are entertaining on their own, the best parts come out of the entire cast being together. All the drunken mistakes and nights out at Karma brought them so close. Deep down they really are just one big happy not at all dysfunctional family. As pictured below.
haha did you love it? That's my favorite picture of the cast. Yes I have a favorite out of all of them.
Well anyway, the main reason for this post is to express to all 12 of you just how excited I am for the premiere of the fourth season, shot in Italy. A high school acquaintance, and facebook friend, of mine spent the spring/summer in Firenze doing I'm not sure what, but a lot of sight seeing and girls' nights out were involved. I love Europe so while I was stalking her pictures I witnessed something amazing.
You know that six degrees of separation thing? I'm officially only two degrees away from the cast of Jersey Shore. [one degree? I dunno how that system works, but I'm one person away] That's right folks. Amongst all those pictures of beautiful Italian buildings and toasting at dinner were pictures in a night club where the cast were partying. She had pictures of all of them! I hadn't envied someone like that since I found out in the fifth grade that my neighbor is related to Justin Timberlake. Fifth cousin twice removed? Still counts!
Screw amazing experiences having to do with living in Italy for a summer, she got to meet the cast of Jersey Shore. THAT is truly once in a lifetime. Italy will always be there. Except maybe Venice in a few decades...
Whether they or anyone else likes it or not, the Jersey Shore cast are always going to be in my heart. My obsession with them is worse than Helga's with Hey Arnold. Next thing you know I'll have busts of each of them sculpted out of gum hiding in my closet. [That really always creeped me out about Helga. How are you that level of creeper at such a young age??]
So to conclude, I might be somewhat well-adjusted for social appearances, but I go bat-sh*t crazy every time the 30 second promos come on MTV.
I scream every time.
I hope you all will join me in spirit Thursday, August 4th, for Jersdays 4.0
and yes I will be skipping institute to watch it. Hope that's not my last straw for damnation...
So instead of taking out the trash like I should be, or going to bed like I should be, I'm going to tell you how much I love....
wait for it....
that's right! Jersey Shore!
There is absolutely no way to fully explain why or how I love that show. It's kind of a guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty about at all. In fact I sort of revel in it and flaunt it because for some reason or other, people never expect me to love the show so much.
In fact, as I type, I'm watching/mostly listening to Season 2 [Miami].
This show. Gosh, sometimes it leaves me speechless. It's just... perfection. The epitome of everything that could possibly be wrong with the generation, showcased in the best way.
wow, sorry, got sucked in. Snooki just had camera time and said, I kid you not, "They're being sympathetic. Yeah, sympathetic. Word of the day, sympathetic."
If you didn't laugh something is wrong with you. Her ignorance is astounding to the point of being adorable.
She also has gems like this one:
On the topic of being hilariously quotable, Pauly D is also quite the comedian. It's not so much the words he says as the facial expression and tone of voice combo that are better than a classic burger and fries.
"Cabs are here"
"T-shirt time"
and this one,
are just a few priceless Pauly D moments.and goodness, that hair. I'm not sure where he gets his gel but I'm fairly certain it's stronger than cement, just sayin. I've never once caught a glimpse of his hair in any other shape. Amazing.
There are so many funny moments that I forget them all so quickly and have to just continue watching the episodes over and over again.
But seriously, the entire cast interacting with each other is what it's all about. While Snooki, Pauly D, Mike the Situation, and the Ron/Sammy crazystorm are entertaining on their own, the best parts come out of the entire cast being together. All the drunken mistakes and nights out at Karma brought them so close. Deep down they really are just one big happy not at all dysfunctional family. As pictured below.
haha did you love it? That's my favorite picture of the cast. Yes I have a favorite out of all of them.
Well anyway, the main reason for this post is to express to all 12 of you just how excited I am for the premiere of the fourth season, shot in Italy. A high school acquaintance, and facebook friend, of mine spent the spring/summer in Firenze doing I'm not sure what, but a lot of sight seeing and girls' nights out were involved. I love Europe so while I was stalking her pictures I witnessed something amazing.
You know that six degrees of separation thing? I'm officially only two degrees away from the cast of Jersey Shore. [one degree? I dunno how that system works, but I'm one person away] That's right folks. Amongst all those pictures of beautiful Italian buildings and toasting at dinner were pictures in a night club where the cast were partying. She had pictures of all of them! I hadn't envied someone like that since I found out in the fifth grade that my neighbor is related to Justin Timberlake. Fifth cousin twice removed? Still counts!
Screw amazing experiences having to do with living in Italy for a summer, she got to meet the cast of Jersey Shore. THAT is truly once in a lifetime. Italy will always be there. Except maybe Venice in a few decades...
Whether they or anyone else likes it or not, the Jersey Shore cast are always going to be in my heart. My obsession with them is worse than Helga's with Hey Arnold. Next thing you know I'll have busts of each of them sculpted out of gum hiding in my closet. [That really always creeped me out about Helga. How are you that level of creeper at such a young age??]
So to conclude, I might be somewhat well-adjusted for social appearances, but I go bat-sh*t crazy every time the 30 second promos come on MTV.
I scream every time.
I hope you all will join me in spirit Thursday, August 4th, for Jersdays 4.0
and yes I will be skipping institute to watch it. Hope that's not my last straw for damnation...
Friday, June 17, 2011
Happy Father's Day
My father is a meticulous man. In my eyes he is a genius. I have yet to meet anyone as unnervingly smart and formal as my father. He has a somewhat hard demeanor. Those who do not know him well have the serious misfortune of never meeting the surprisingly silly side of him. I always found him somewhat intimidating because of that initial hard exterior that others see.
It wasn’t until recent years that my understanding of him grew significantly past the exterior, yet growing up I always knew there was something buried inside that I wanted to know. Glimpses of my father’s alternate demeanor often came in the kitchen, watching him create desserts worthy of naming masterpieces.
Growing up I always loved to watch my father bake. He is widely known, in every neighborhood we’ve inhabited, for his set of remarkable desserts. There are many, and they are always the same: Chocolate Cake, Williamsburg Orange Cake, Lemon Pound Cake (my favorite). And then there are his pies. He truly loves making pies. Every holiday, our family and various other families at church or down the street are graced with a selection of homemade pies. On Thanksgiving, the true pie holiday, there is always a debate—which pies will be kept for the family and which will be given away. This is no easy decision. Between the usual pumpkin, pecan, chocolate, lemon meringue and apple, none is outstanding above the rest. Each is delicious and homely and somehow makes the holiday sweeter for much more than our taste buds.
Not only are my father’s pies a great dessert, they are a labor of love. My father is not always an emotionally open man. I have never seen my father truly cry and can count the close calls on my hands. While he has always been a loving and caring father, his inner-emotions stay somewhat buried beneath his solid, stern exterior. Perhaps as a substitute for certain verbal expression, he gifts desserts to those he holds dear: close family friends through the years, the woman who held my mother’s hand during a heart attack, our ward Bishop/home-teacher. For them he works diligently for hours in the kitchen. He takes no shortcuts, and his devotion to the project is crystal clear. My father’s pies are a process, a ritual, and a message. His pies say, “You have helped me through struggles. You have been a friend to laugh with. You have influenced my life for the better. You have made an impact.”
My father’s pies are not only for the recipients, they are for him. His ritual of pie-making seems a genuine therapy. There is no mistaking the happiness and peace baking a pie brings him. The steps are always the same, and the set-up never changing. I recall sitting on a stool behind the kitchen bar, watching him roll out a pie crust, when I first took a mental inventory of the mandatory details. In this particular case, he was making an apple pie. Definitely an apple, his pride and joy. While my father is extremely proud of his accomplishments, his experiences, and his wife and children, I think he receives the same amount of gratification with every perfect apple pie he removes from the oven. Those pies are special to him. They are a part of him.
While my memory cannot recollect any details of the actual pie recipe, it does include the details that hold actual importance. In my memory, I see giant bowls of bright-green Granny Smiths, skins reflecting the over-head lights, waiting to be peeled. I watch the movement of a halved apple down my father’s palm as it’s being sliced into smaller pieces. I hear the 10th Anniversary Concert edition of Les Miserables booming from speakers as well as his open mouth as he sings along with Javier and Valjean. I smell the combination of cinnamon, sugar, nutmeg, and flour—the mixture coating the sliced apples as they go into the hand-rolled crust. I feel the roll of my eyes in reaction to one of his cringe-inducing puns. I listen to his voice asking in a mock-defensive tone, “Would you rather your dad be an old fart who has no fun?” I watch the meticulous placement of the top crust over a mound of seasoned apples and the perfect rotation of the pie as bottom and top crusts are evenly pinched together around the rim. Most of all, I see in perfect detail, the jovial smile on my father’s face throughout the entire process.
This is the man I call my father. This baker, this goofball, this baritone. This man, who despite what a misleading exterior may convey, pours love and passion and humor into everything. Even something as simple as an apple pie. How lucky I have been, to sit on a kitchen stool, and watch the mystery and majesty of my father bake to perfection at 425°F
Sunday, May 29, 2011
woah.
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
i started my mission papers today. i just need to answer the last few questions, get my physical and see a dentist.
and then i turn them in.
i had a crazy dream last night that i had gotten my call even though i never started the paperwork. it was really weird and at first it said the Philippines and then it kept changing to stuff like Thailand and California and Alaska. just a different place every time i looked at it.
this is kind of a big deal.
and i'm kind of freaking out.
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
i started my mission papers today. i just need to answer the last few questions, get my physical and see a dentist.
and then i turn them in.
i had a crazy dream last night that i had gotten my call even though i never started the paperwork. it was really weird and at first it said the Philippines and then it kept changing to stuff like Thailand and California and Alaska. just a different place every time i looked at it.
this is kind of a big deal.
and i'm kind of freaking out.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
aloha oe.
What we call the beginning is often the end.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
- T. S. Eliot
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
- T. S. Eliot
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
summer songs
random thoughts.
I can't stop listening to country and british pop
edamame is delicious
today people have made me feel really good about myself
I love orange and pink together
my whole body mimics the temperature of my feet
I've been looking into film school
one of my favorite feelings is the feeling of summertime. ya know, carefree, full of laughter, windows down, music blasting, smiling from ear to ear, sort of thing. I'm making a playlist of songs that capture that feeling.
so far I've got :
Bruno Mars- Marry You
The Maine- Growing Up
Mayday Parade- Kids In Love
Jessie J- Price Tag
Neon Trees- Animal
Rascal Flatts- Summer Nights
We The Kings & Demi Lavato- We'll Be a Dream
LMFAO- Yes
suggestions anyone?
I can't stop listening to country and british pop
edamame is delicious
today people have made me feel really good about myself
I love orange and pink together
my whole body mimics the temperature of my feet
I've been looking into film school
one of my favorite feelings is the feeling of summertime. ya know, carefree, full of laughter, windows down, music blasting, smiling from ear to ear, sort of thing. I'm making a playlist of songs that capture that feeling.
so far I've got :
Bruno Mars- Marry You
The Maine- Growing Up
Mayday Parade- Kids In Love
Jessie J- Price Tag
Neon Trees- Animal
Rascal Flatts- Summer Nights
We The Kings & Demi Lavato- We'll Be a Dream
LMFAO- Yes
suggestions anyone?
Monday, April 4, 2011
happy times.
did you have a marvelous weekend?
I did.
I've been floating on, happy as can be, for the past week or so.
I go home in 12 days :]
ya know, I really am excited to get out of here, but I feel so much better about leaving now. some major, outlook-on-life shaping stuff has been going on the past week and I feel rejuvenated.
I was so excited for General Conference this weekend, and in the first few talks I heard so many things that I needed to be reminded of. I'm feeling really close to God right now, and have for the last little while.
I'm at peace. this semester was a huge funk for me, and it showed in so many things, my social life, my academic success, my fervor for everything. it's actually more like a lack thereof in all categories. but for now, the Big Man and I, we're on great terms.
I've mentioned before that I don't handle change well, but this one is going to be good. While I wish I could take all my friends back with me, I'm so anxious to just get to what I know I'm supposed to be doing. two weeks from now I'll be at home, spending time with family, and hopefully working, and most importantly, getting ready for my mission.
did I mention that I am extremely excited for that?? because I am.
I've known for almost a year that going on a mission is something that I'm going to do, something that I need to do. waiting to be old enough has been a pain in the butt, but it's getting closer!!!
even though where I'm going and what it will be like is still a huge mystery, I'm not even worried, I know it's going to be the best thing I'll do in my life, if not just my life thus far.
I can turn in my mission papers in:
51 days.
I did.
I've been floating on, happy as can be, for the past week or so.
I go home in 12 days :]
ya know, I really am excited to get out of here, but I feel so much better about leaving now. some major, outlook-on-life shaping stuff has been going on the past week and I feel rejuvenated.
I was so excited for General Conference this weekend, and in the first few talks I heard so many things that I needed to be reminded of. I'm feeling really close to God right now, and have for the last little while.
I'm at peace. this semester was a huge funk for me, and it showed in so many things, my social life, my academic success, my fervor for everything. it's actually more like a lack thereof in all categories. but for now, the Big Man and I, we're on great terms.
I've mentioned before that I don't handle change well, but this one is going to be good. While I wish I could take all my friends back with me, I'm so anxious to just get to what I know I'm supposed to be doing. two weeks from now I'll be at home, spending time with family, and hopefully working, and most importantly, getting ready for my mission.
did I mention that I am extremely excited for that?? because I am.
I've known for almost a year that going on a mission is something that I'm going to do, something that I need to do. waiting to be old enough has been a pain in the butt, but it's getting closer!!!
even though where I'm going and what it will be like is still a huge mystery, I'm not even worried, I know it's going to be the best thing I'll do in my life, if not just my life thus far.
I can turn in my mission papers in:
51 days.
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