buttercream.

I had no idea, but today someone made me see.
two and a half years. what must you have thought of me?
november 6th has always been so dear to my heart, but only now do I completely understand its significance.
I can't even comprehend all the things that were happening to you and all the pros and cons you had to weigh.
I still feel slightly justified in wanting to be a part of that consideration.
tonight I realized that those words at the beach were your sign to me that I had been. that even though your decision wasn't the one I wanted, you still wouldn't leave this place without giving me my own specific goodbye.
I may not know the details of how those things work, but something tells me you went above and beyond. I feel incredibly blessed.
how could I possibly thank you enough?
I am so painfully sorry that it took me this long to understand you, my favorite of them all, and your final words to me.
I hope that you can forgive my ignorance.
I love you just as much as always.
I cant wait to see you again, but in the meantime, I'm ready to let go.

fail.

hey friends, it's been a while.
I'd say I was busy... but really I just had nothing to say.

this semester has been somewhat bitter-sweet.
I didn't want to even come back to school this semester so that I could work and save up for my mission, but I accepted that I had to come back. I tried to sign myself up for classes that I still needed but wouldn't add significantly to the stress of being here. I still had my job to add fun and money to the semester. I even got excited at the possibility of new things to come while I was back home for christmas.
but then I came back, and about two weeks in, I fell into a serious funk. the semester has had numerous good times and enjoyable, memorable moments, but most of them superficial. in addition:
I have been sick so many times this semester. cold/cough. back problems. strep. mono. cold/cough again. it's insane. the play I was in took up all of my free time in weekends making it impossible to do anything really worthwhile with friends or get out of laie. I spent the majority of the past months in serious anxiety stressing over whether to stay for spring. my mind has been completely out of focus and I've had no motivation to better myself at all the past three months.

it's awful.

I don't think I've ever wasted so much of my own time in my life. I've barely been productive, I've barely done anything fun, I've barely spent enough time with the people I love.


I'm sitting here right now, thinking about the fact that there are two weeks left in the semester, wondering what the hell I've done with my time and how it went by so quickly.

relief.

I have been unbelievably anxious this semester. so many things are just crazy. classes aren't going well, they're so much more hectic than expected. the play took up all of my saturdays, no beach adventures this semester. and also I'm freaking out about getting ready for my mission.

but today I feel at peace.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time and vented and hyperventilated to her a little. she helped me come to a definite decision about how to handle the next three months and what I'm doing with my time. school, work, hawaii, home, etc.

things are good. I feel good. optimistic even.
I think the biggest obstacle was coming to terms with making such a big change.

but I am looking forward, and looking ahead. I finally feel completely at peace with the decision I've made.

6 weeks :]

requirement.

i have put all of a cumulative twenty minutes throughout my life thinking about what i want in my future husband
ya know, the usual: funny, smart, driven, tall, caring, etc
that kinda stuff
other than being able to have intelligent and funny conversations with him,
i don't really care yet



but honestly, i cannot ever, under any circumstances,
imagine being stuck with someone for eternity
who doesn't completely love and appreciate
Les Miserables




i'm just sayin.
i feel like seeing that musical changes you
and should be a requirement for everyone in life.