erin all over

I'm kind of a crazy person.

2012-02-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

I know that everyone has their craziness or little idiosyncrasies that make them somewhat weird or unusual. And I understand that seeing as everyone in the world has those, it's somewhat acceptable to be open and honest with yourself and others about their existence. And I thought I was.
Apparently not.

Seeing as I have a mere three weeks left until I enter the Missionary Training Center, it's about that time to pack up everything I own. While I was sorting through my amateur version of a hoarder room [filled with way too many pictures, movie ticket stubs, and other things I had deemed highly sentimental in my teen years], I came upon my high school journals.

Let me explain my history with journals. Except for my Sophomore and the first half of Junior years at BYUH, when my journaling was consistent, insightful, and [somewhat] classy, every journal I have ever had goes a little something like this:

First page: An explanation that I am once again very bad at writing in my journal and my goal to actually stay with it this time around. The next few entries are consistent and I seem to write at least every couple of days. Then the entries start to deplete. Not only are they further apart, they are much shorter. If nothing else, the carelessness increase can be shown and probably scientifically charted by the decrease in my handwriting quality as I turn the pages. Then come the entries that end mid-sentence. Then the ones with less than a paragraph. Throughout the journal are lists. Endless lists. Packing lists, lists of people I'm mad at, lists of people to invite to my party, career possibility lists. Lists, lots of 'em. Also really bad doodles. And pages upon pages of practicing my handwriting and John Hancock. Lots of empty pages sprinkled in here and there and the occasional awful attempt at song-writing...? Needless to say, my journals aren't very substantial as far as actual journaling. Note: one journal had a start date over a year prior to the last entry. There were 16 entries.

So now that you know the usual pattern, let me just fill you in on how the discovery of said journals is making me realize it's a darn good thing I'm going on a mission and maybe I'll receive a miracle resulting in my transformation to a more internally balanced human being.

My favorite part of finding the journals wasn't even the fact that in every single one the only consistency took place starting with EFY over the summer. So cliche. Let me just say, I thought I was sooooooooooo deep you guys. But beyond that ridiculousness, were the real treasures. "Letters I will never write." First of all, I don't understand why I called it that, seeing as I was writing them. Thank goodness college has taught me the difference in meaning between "write" and "send."

These letters though. Oh my goodness, they were so intense. Apparently I really was as awful as people though I was in high school because I was absolutely hateful to these people. My favorite one is the letter I wrote to Billy. I had not only a few, but a plethora of choice words for this kid. I let him have it. And in my defense, although completely idiotic overall, the letters were very articulate. Billy wouldn't have had any self-esteem left if I had really "written" that letter. What started to happen though is about half way through the letter I realized I had no memory of this person whatsoever. NONE. I even went to facebook to see who I know from high school named Billy. Yeah...no one. Whaaaaaaaaaaat? So now I'm extremely confused and somewhat intrigued by this Billy character, but more importantly I'm very concerned about my mental stability. Apparently I need anger management as evidenced by a letter to someone I can't even remember!

This journal exploration was kind of horrifying for my view of myself as a teenager. I was seriously a weirdo. I guess I was pretty good at hiding the extent of it though because at least I was only saying these things in a journal and still sat with a full lunch table. I'm not sure how that was the case, but thank goodness for it. I think later today I'll check the attic for my journals from the 90's. I'm pretty sure those will have some real gems.

Before you go, if anyone knows of a Billy that I did NOT like in high school [roughly junior year], please tell me any details you can remember.

A Smile From Caleb.

2012-02-04T19:44:00.001-08:00

So as most people who know me know, this past fall I assistant directed the play at my high school. It was such an amazing experience and looking back I'm really sad I didn't write about it more. However, something occurred after one of the performances that resonated in me so much that I literally came home and felt like I would burst if I didn't write about it. It was one of those things you can't bury or forget, you have to express it because it was so personal and beautiful.

That said, this is probably really cheesy and that's okay, but this is just the first version of what I had to get out about my experience. I've just let it sit since then really because I didn't know if I wanted people to see it, but I went to see the winter play tonight and it echoed this same feeling so I thought I'd share it.
[but really.... it's not written all that well, don't judge too harshly if even in your minds lol]

On Thursday night I had a moment. You know, one of those moments when time pauses for the briefest of seconds, and you silently inventory the things around you, and you think to yourself, "this is it. this is happiness. this is fulfillment. this is peace." Ya know, one of those moments.

The moment caught me by surprise, as most of those moments do, when one Caleb Metcalf ran into the auditorium from offstage-right, down the platforms, jumped over the orchestra pit, and tackled Purdy in a hug. He then pulled away, seemed to let a sigh of contentment, and his mouth spread into the biggest, purest, most genuine and enormous smile I have ever seen on his face. I'm not sure that he was aware of his expression, but I caught it. In that smile, and in his eyes, was the most pure gift a teacher can receive.
Let me pause to elaborate. Rewind to the day of the initial audition. The Westminster auditorium is filled with students, excited and nervous to try out for their first attempt at Shakespeare. Calling students up in pairs, Ms. Purdy and I sat in the middle row, making notes and preliminary decisions. Auditions were going surprisingly well, the students rising to the challenge of the Bard's dialogue. The next pair took the stage, and began the scene. My mind went blank in awe. I turned to Purdy, "what is that boy's name?" Caleb Metcalf. Sophomore. WHS theater newcomer. In that moment, before I knew him and before he even finished the read-through, he was already cast in my mind. I knew he was a young lover. Whether Demetrius or Lysander I wasn't sure it mattered, but I was bound and determined that all of my pull as Assistant Director would go to getting him one of those parts. The next day's callbacks proved my first impression and Purdy and I knew he was our Lysander.
Throughout the show, Caleb remained quiet. He was dedicated, focused, and, I believe, a bit intimidated by his senior cast-mates. Purdy and I were more impressed than surprised that he was the first to be completely off-book, and not just days, but weeks before the rest of the cast, some with smaller parts and more experience. While certainly talented and a pleasure to have in rehearsal, Caleb was still quiet, a hard shell to crack. We could never quite figure him out. Out of character, his face does not display much emotion, his tone very level, and his humor undiscovered. The most I'd spied of Caleb while the rest of the cast goofed off and joked was a small, slightly raised smile. Nothing more. As I tried to develop relationships with most of the cast, Caleb became somewhat of a stumbling block. I could not figure this boy out. The cast held every type of personality with every type of humor, yet most of what came from Caleb was stoic, serious, sarcastic on a good day, humor. His dry wit and his reservation to join in when breaking character made him seem so serious, and I had no idea how to approach joking around with him.
One day in rehearsal, during the scene in which all four young lovers are quarreling, hilarity broke out, as per usual. While jokes were cracked that caused even myself and Purdy to pause and laugh, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a smile and my ears caught a hint of something unfamiliar. I almost couldn't believe it. Caleb was laughing. Not just smiling, but laughing. The SOUND of laughter coming from his mouth, the glint of laughter shining in his eyes. I pointed this out and an even greater collective laugh was given by the rest of us. We had finally gotten him to feel comfortable and at ease enough to do something as simple as laugh during his time with us. From then on, Caleb was usually a part of the joke, really joining in, allowing his personality to emerge. For a while he had been taken under Ben's wing. Ben is a senior, his character rival, and one of the funniest bastard's you'll ever meet. While I joked with Purdy that this could lead to trouble, aka another Ben, we were both so pleased. Through Caleb, I was getting a glimpse of what teachers are always saying about how the money sucks, but the rewards are incredible.

Seeing Caleb's smile thursday night was like pressing rewind. I could see on his face every emotion I'd felt my first fall show. The end of opening night is such a rush, such an accomplishment. The adrenaline and the stage lights make you feel like your soul is infinite and your possibilities are endless. The confidence you gain in those moments are priceless. You believe in yourself, in your talent, in your options, in your goals. I've often missed that rush of excitement and drive after a show. And being on the other side of a production for the first time, I was blindsided by how much sweeter it tastes seeing something that made you so happy manifest itself in a student you have seen grow and blossom throughout your time with him. The rewards of the past three nights far outweigh every minute of rehearsals I didn't want to attend, every poke of a needle while sewing costumes, every stress dream in Shakespearean dialect, and every second of worry and anxiety put into the show. The entire cast of 26, smiling and laughing, feeling so accomplished and elated, it made my heart want to melt. Every bit of what helping those kids has made me feel was simplified, condensed, and put into it's purest form and intensified, the moment I saw Caleb dash out from behind the curtain and finish with the kind of smile I know he felt from within his heart to the entirety of the auditorium.

So not ready...

2012-01-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

to be a mother.

goodness gracious.

I can't even take care of teenagers without things going horribly wrong. No one trust me to have infants.

I take one Sunday nap and wake up to find the 14 year old I'm staying with has taken three pain killers. Wonderful.

Obviously caregiving is my specialty....

pathetic sobs.

2012-01-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually one for being a female cliche, and it's only recently that emotional things have a huge impact on me.
But if for any reason you want your heart to be ripped out of your chest and replaced with a permanent, gaping, throbbing hole of painful emptiness...

watch this movie

blurg.

2011-12-31T13:50:00.001-08:00

Ah, jeez.
You know what I hate to love? Discovering new blogs. As an English major/writing nerd, deep down I get so excited when I find a new blog full of all those wonderful posts I can't wait to read. I sit there for hours and essentially stalk the online life of some new stranger and whatever they felt like sharing about their life because they're so dang funny and they have such good written communication skills [one of the 7 necessary to be a successful human being according to my 10th grade English teacher. it's number 3.] that I can't stop!

Blogs are kind of like my heroin in that way.
Actually, that simile isn't completely accurate. I think what's more true is blogs are kind of like my version of bulimia. It's not just that I'm continuously addicted to reading blogs and meandering through the internet. What happens to me is I find something new and exciting in the blog world and then I binge and binge and binge on it because it's so intellectually delicious that I can't stop and then days or weeks later I hit a plateau and I purge myself of that particular thing for a while until I need to return or find a new scintillating site to scarf.
Yeah, that's more accurate. It's a binge and purge thing.

Guess what folks, while I love to stimulate my mind and laugh hysterically, after the initial enjoyment hits, there's this wave of horror. I think it's Jiminy Cricket talking to me, because he says it in that stupid voice that makes you so angry because of how right and genuine it is. But inside my head I hear, "You haven't posted anything in a long time. You haven't posted anything worthwhile in waaaaay longer than that. You should probably decide if you want to take blogging seriously for once like you always tell yourself you're going to."

And then I start to resent that beautiful new blog that I loved so much, and hence my plateau.
Today I found a new blog thanks to my friend Christy, and I heard Jiminy within reading three posts. this is what he said, "His writing is so witty, and sharp. I really love his tone and style. Too bad none of the stuff you write is like this. What has it been? weeks since your last few posts? and wasn't it months before those?"

Did you notice his judgmental tone? I didn't like hearing Jiminy today. Especially not on New Year's Eve, when I'm supposed to reevaluate my life and what not.

But I guess making a resolution to become a better blogger is certainly more attainable than the other resolutions most of us like to joke that we'll keep. Or start.
Yeah, I think I'll stick with dedicating myself to being a better blogger as my resolution. Because let's be real. Any of you reading this know I'll be back at Taco Bell next week, or I'll waste money on some new purse I don't need right before a mission, or I'll rationalize watching just one of my melodrama/reality shows instead of giving them all up. We all know it would start with Jersey Shore and I'd be right back to where I am.

So instead of changing any of that, I'm just gonna write about it more.

It really is a Wonderful Life.

2011-11-26T13:58:00.000-08:00

Busy, Busy, Busy.
But in the moments I'm allowed to claim, I'm looking back. I'm stepping into the still-somewhat-unknown. For the first time, I'm looking ahead the right way-- by looking around.
For me it's always been about living in remembrance or vicariously. I tend to look behind and pick and choose the happy moments to validate the claim that "my life used to be good or happy or simple" or to put others on pedestals and aspire to dreams that seem ideal but are not truly my own.
I'm starting new though, I'm figuring myself out. I'm doing things that are simple, uninspired, mediocre at best, but that make me genuinely happy for my circumstances right now.

Whether it's volunteering for a high school theater production, working retail times two, driving 40 minutes to the smallest social circle I've had thus far, or driving around the beautiful county roads by myself, I'm finding that even my pessimism and automatic cranky disposition can't even mask the true happiness I feel.

I once wrote about this strange, foreign person residing in my brain, wanting to change my perspectives. I feel like she's still there, but we've come to a peaceful compromise. There are still so many life changes ahead of me, but they're still ahead rather than here.

This year has been about perspective, not about patience or punishment.

On that note, I suggest you all go find your most cozy blanket, sip some cocoa, and sit down to enjoy one of the following movies

I called it.

2011-10-31T16:40:00.001-07:00

I probably can't do a lot of justice in writing to the changes that have taken place since coming home.
I spent the summer with family and friends, and when fall came I stayed right where I was. No packing, no airplanes, no classes.
And despite it being surreal that I'm home in Westminster with changing leaves, colder weather, and even snow, rather than back at the sandy, sunshiny, beach with groups of close friends, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.
My patience is definitely being tried. Today marks three weeks and one day since my mission papers went in. I am itching to know what my future holds but most of all when it will start. That's the only part that frustrates me. Many people I know of who've recently gotten their calls don't leave until the spring. That's enough time for another semester!
Do I stay here where I'm happy but bored, or risk going back to unhappiness just to actually be accomplishing something? So many questions.

What's great though, is that I can already tell I'm becoming a new person. I find so little to complain about anymore and I'm content to roll with the punches as they come. That's pretty unusual for me. But don't get me wrong, I love it.

So although my day-to-day is much more low-key, and I'm often bored and lazy, the nights out with friends, the ysa activities, the afternoons at rehearsal, and even working, have added peace to my life.
I'm happy. So happy. I just feel... joyous.
Life is looking great, and I'm so thrilled I followed the guidance to serve a mission. Everything just feels right, and my faith and acceptance in following instructions has grown so much.

Maybe I'm crazy to say I didn't like Hawaii, or to blame any unhappiness on the fact that I was there, but there is no denying the fact that here I am in Maryland, the happiest I've been since high school.

a rollercoaster of sorts.

2011-10-23T20:51:00.001-07:00

Today was rather intense.
The three year anniversary of the accident that took Matt and Caitlin's lives is this week. The family held a graveside gathering for family and friends to honor the anniversary and to let everyone come out and see the newly-placed gravestone and bench.

The poem on the side is actually one that I framed, along with pictures of Matt and Caitlin, and gave to the family. I was so unbelievably touched when their mom, Michelle, told me it meant so much to them that it was permanently a part of their memory.

What's especially significant about this anniversary for me is that I'm actually home. When the accident occurred, I was half-way through my first semester of college in Hawaii, and wasn't able to come home for any part of it. Not Matt's funeral, not during Caitlin's two weeks in the hospital, and not her funeral. The funerals along with the anniversary ceremonies, were all relayed by family and friends. Everything I knew of them was second-hand. Don't get me wrong, the events sounded amazing, heartbreaking, therapeutic, and filled with love, but I hadn't really experienced any of it for myself. Today I was surrounded by family and friends who were all just as effected by their passing as I was. I found so much comfort and strength in finally being a part of it all. I finally feel like my healing process is complete.

At the graveside, the parents mentioned that a former classmate of Matt's is creating a documentary about the accident, the impact, and the long-lasting effects still felt today. He interviewed the family throughout the weekend and was filming the gathering. They extended the offer that if anyone would like to sit with Nate and tell their experience and let him ask a few questions, they would love to have us involved.
I in now way intended to offer an interview with this person I had only heard of from high school, but of course, their dad approached me privately and asked if I would be willing to sit and talk with Nate and tell my story because it would mean a lot to the family. Who could say no to that?

He asked questions like how would you describe their personalities, what did you do together, can you tell me about the morning of the accident, what was your experience while Caitlin was in the hospital, how was the ceremony earlier for you as your first time being back, what is it like with them gone, what have you learned from this, what do you miss most about them, and what advice would you give people in relation to this situation?

My experience was really very different than the other friends that were interviewed. I wasn't here, I didn't have anyone else around me grieving, I didn't go through the pain of attending their funerals. But I struggled with handling such a deep loss on my own, with not saying goodbye while my loved ones did, and with missing out on something that brought all of my friends so close together.

I honestly don't even remember half of what I said, and I'm pretty sure I rambled a lot, but what I do know is that recalling the details of my emotions surrounding their deaths wasn't fun- I maybe started heading for breakdown mode a little but gained my composure eventually- but I genuinely hope that Nate is able to make the documentary into something beautiful that will lift spirits and touch hearts and change perspectives. That was the kind of effect Matt and Caitlin had on every person they met, and I know it will translate into remembering them through this film.

Love you guys forever.

I'm going to gloat.

2011-09-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

Are you aware that I literally have the best birthday in the year?

I do.

Not only do I share a birthday with Stephen King and comedic genius Bill Murray,
my birthday is also of significance in the LDS religion (Moroni appearing to Joseph Smith).

In addition, my birthday is the perfect placement in avoiding a summer birthday when no one is around to celebrate with you, and being early enough so as not to get mushed in with all the Fall holidays.

Oh but speaking of Fall, my favorite season by the way, I can legitimately say
"It's not Fall until my birthday hits."
That's right. September 21st is the Autumn Equinox. My birthday is literally the start of the best time of year.

See what I mean? I have the best birthday.

Brr!

2011-09-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm recovering from getting my wisdom teeth out this past Thursday. Overall it hasn't been too bad. I was a freakin disaster when I woke up from anesthesia, crying and talking all kinds of nonsense, but after some meds and sleeping it off I felt great.
Yesterday my jaw started to get pretty sore and I've been icing and dosing regularly so it'll subside a little but I get really sore and dizzy from the medicine anyway so I'm not quite back to normal.

So today to bide the time my new good friend Mercedes came over and we made Mac and Cheese, and are currently sitting cozy in bed having a Vampire Diaries marathon!
I love it.

I'm also coloring in my Disney Princess coloring book, because I'm classy and sophisticated, and mature.

2011-09-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

frozen edamame, you are my best friend.
wisdom teeth are out, jaw is officially hurting.

job interview tomorrow 11am.
yipee.

GREAT NEWS.

2011-08-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

during a conversation with a friend about school, I had an epiphany.

drumroll.......

Here is what I want to do with my life, as revealed by skype:
[please don't take this too seriously...coughmomcough]

Erin Dean: oh!
Erin Dean: guess what!

Christy Hoffmann: what??

Erin Dean: i might have a clue of what to do with college

Christy Hoffmann: oh weally?

Erin Dean: well, im closer lol
Erin Dean: i was looking up the requirements for all the majors and stuff
Erin Dean: im one class away from having a theater minor and a coincidental creative writing minor
Erin Dean: so i was like shoot i should just make it an IDS major and be like... i wanna be a screeenwriter...?

Christy Hoffmann: yeah!

Erin Dean: i mean i feel like it would be fun and if it got approved id be out of there in a year
Erin Dean: so im thinking either that or i might try social work rather than teaching

Christy Hoffmann: how come?

Erin Dean: cuz i love english and all but the reason i wanna be a teacher is for the interaction and helping the kids more than being excited about the material and ive always wanted to be involved with a group for underprivileged kids or like inner city after school programs
Erin Dean: so that might be better

Christy Hoffmann: canʻt you do that in a teaching environment?

Erin Dean: yeah but then i have to make them do homework and stuff
Erin Dean: and then grade it
Erin Dean: id rather play board games with them

Christy Hoffmann: lol
Christy Hoffmann: good reason

Erin Dean: ill start a new boys and girls club called "lets play some board games"

Christy Hoffmann: letʻs play clue: a inner-city initiative to solve real crimes from the streets while providing kids with a safe environment

Erin Dean: you are amazing.
Erin Dean: im cutting you in

there you have it, my future.

2011-08-22T00:43:00.001-07:00

for as much as I've done this summer, I'm really surprised I haven't been writing on here more. I don't know, everything has been very fun and memorable, but nothing I feel particularly inclined to write about. I'm not sure if it's because I can't think of something interesting to say aside from just recounting details of trips and adventures or if I'm just content enough with everything that I don't need this outlet anymore.
whatever it is, I don't like that I've stopped writing. I'm not academically-minded at the moment because i know I don't have to be. I came home in April knowing I wouldn't return to school for another two years. That alone is a strange feeling.

Every fall since 1995 I've started preparing for the school year. I have always been in school. I'm not sure what it will feel like to not attend class, not have homework, not worry about grades. And since becoming accustomed to school away from home, it's definitely been an adjustment living at home for this long. I guess I can only say I expect it to be....strange.
It's a completely new experience.
Bur whether it's good or bad, I hope it doesn't last long. I'm really eager to just have my mission papers turned in the first week of October, and then be on my way as soon as possible.

Here's the Situation.

2011-08-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

All right, I been busy. It is what it is. Also I had absolutely nothing I felt inclined to blog about, but I've missed it and been looking for something I felt excited enough to write about.

So instead of taking out the trash like I should be, or going to bed like I should be, I'm going to tell you how much I love....

wait for it....

that's right! Jersey Shore!

There is absolutely no way to fully explain why or how I love that show. It's kind of a guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty about at all. In fact I sort of revel in it and flaunt it because for some reason or other, people never expect me to love the show so much.
In fact, as I type, I'm watching/mostly listening to Season 2 [Miami].
This show. Gosh, sometimes it leaves me speechless. It's just... perfection. The epitome of everything that could possibly be wrong with the generation, showcased in the best way.

wow, sorry, got sucked in. Snooki just had camera time and said, I kid you not, "They're being sympathetic. Yeah, sympathetic. Word of the day, sympathetic."
If you didn't laugh something is wrong with you. Her ignorance is astounding to the point of being adorable.

She also has gems like this one:

On the topic of being hilariously quotable, Pauly D is also quite the comedian. It's not so much the words he says as the facial expression and tone of voice combo that are better than a classic burger and fries.
"Cabs are here"
"T-shirt time"
and this one, are just a few priceless Pauly D moments.
and goodness, that hair. I'm not sure where he gets his gel but I'm fairly certain it's stronger than cement, just sayin. I've never once caught a glimpse of his hair in any other shape. Amazing.
There are so many funny moments that I forget them all so quickly and have to just continue watching the episodes over and over again.

But seriously, the entire cast interacting with each other is what it's all about. While Snooki, Pauly D, Mike the Situation, and the Ron/Sammy crazystorm are entertaining on their own, the best parts come out of the entire cast being together. All the drunken mistakes and nights out at Karma brought them so close. Deep down they really are just one big happy not at all dysfunctional family. As pictured below.

haha did you love it? That's my favorite picture of the cast. Yes I have a favorite out of all of them.

Well anyway, the main reason for this post is to express to all 12 of you just how excited I am for the premiere of the fourth season, shot in Italy. A high school acquaintance, and facebook friend, of mine spent the spring/summer in Firenze doing I'm not sure what, but a lot of sight seeing and girls' nights out were involved. I love Europe so while I was stalking her pictures I witnessed something amazing.
You know that six degrees of separation thing? I'm officially only two degrees away from the cast of Jersey Shore. [one degree? I dunno how that system works, but I'm one person away] That's right folks. Amongst all those pictures of beautiful Italian buildings and toasting at dinner were pictures in a night club where the cast were partying. She had pictures of all of them! I hadn't envied someone like that since I found out in the fifth grade that my neighbor is related to Justin Timberlake. Fifth cousin twice removed? Still counts!
Screw amazing experiences having to do with living in Italy for a summer, she got to meet the cast of Jersey Shore. THAT is truly once in a lifetime. Italy will always be there. Except maybe Venice in a few decades...

Whether they or anyone else likes it or not, the Jersey Shore cast are always going to be in my heart. My obsession with them is worse than Helga's with Hey Arnold. Next thing you know I'll have busts of each of them sculpted out of gum hiding in my closet. [That really always creeped me out about Helga. How are you that level of creeper at such a young age??]

So to conclude, I might be somewhat well-adjusted for social appearances, but I go bat-sh*t crazy every time the 30 second promos come on MTV.
I scream every time.

I hope you all will join me in spirit Thursday, August 4th, for Jersdays 4.0
and yes I will be skipping institute to watch it. Hope that's not my last straw for damnation...

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

My father is a meticulous man. In my eyes he is a genius. I have yet to meet anyone as unnervingly smart and formal as my father. He has a somewhat hard demeanor. Those who do not know him well have the serious misfortune of never meeting the surprisingly silly side of him. I always found him somewhat intimidating because of that initial hard exterior that others see.

It wasn’t until recent years that my understanding of him grew significantly past the exterior, yet growing up I always knew there was something buried inside that I wanted to know. Glimpses of my father’s alternate demeanor often came in the kitchen, watching him create desserts worthy of naming masterpieces.

Growing up I always loved to watch my father bake. He is widely known, in every neighborhood we’ve inhabited, for his set of remarkable desserts. There are many, and they are always the same: Chocolate Cake, Williamsburg Orange Cake, Lemon Pound Cake (my favorite). And then there are his pies. He truly loves making pies. Every holiday, our family and various other families at church or down the street are graced with a selection of homemade pies. On Thanksgiving, the true pie holiday, there is always a debate—which pies will be kept for the family and which will be given away. This is no easy decision. Between the usual pumpkin, pecan, chocolate, lemon meringue and apple, none is outstanding above the rest. Each is delicious and homely and somehow makes the holiday sweeter for much more than our taste buds.

Not only are my father’s pies a great dessert, they are a labor of love. My father is not always an emotionally open man. I have never seen my father truly cry and can count the close calls on my hands. While he has always been a loving and caring father, his inner-emotions stay somewhat buried beneath his solid, stern exterior. Perhaps as a substitute for certain verbal expression, he gifts desserts to those he holds dear: close family friends through the years, the woman who held my mother’s hand during a heart attack, our ward Bishop/home-teacher. For them he works diligently for hours in the kitchen. He takes no shortcuts, and his devotion to the project is crystal clear. My father’s pies are a process, a ritual, and a message. His pies say, “You have helped me through struggles. You have been a friend to laugh with. You have influenced my life for the better. You have made an impact.”

My father’s pies are not only for the recipients, they are for him. His ritual of pie-making seems a genuine therapy. There is no mistaking the happiness and peace baking a pie brings him. The steps are always the same, and the set-up never changing. I recall sitting on a stool behind the kitchen bar, watching him roll out a pie crust, when I first took a mental inventory of the mandatory details. In this particular case, he was making an apple pie. Definitely an apple, his pride and joy. While my father is extremely proud of his accomplishments, his experiences, and his wife and children, I think he receives the same amount of gratification with every perfect apple pie he removes from the oven. Those pies are special to him. They are a part of him.

While my memory cannot recollect any details of the actual pie recipe, it does include the details that hold actual importance. In my memory, I see giant bowls of bright-green Granny Smiths, skins reflecting the over-head lights, waiting to be peeled. I watch the movement of a halved apple down my father’s palm as it’s being sliced into smaller pieces. I hear the 10^th Anniversary Concert edition of Les Miserables booming from speakers as well as his open mouth as he sings along with Javier and Valjean. I smell the combination of cinnamon, sugar, nutmeg, and flour—the mixture coating the sliced apples as they go into the hand-rolled crust. I feel the roll of my eyes in reaction to one of his cringe-inducing puns. I listen to his voice asking in a mock-defensive tone, “Would you rather your dad be an old fart who has no fun?” I watch the meticulous placement of the top crust over a mound of seasoned apples and the perfect rotation of the pie as bottom and top crusts are evenly pinched together around the rim. Most of all, I see in perfect detail, the jovial smile on my father’s face throughout the entire process.

This is the man I call my father. This baker, this goofball, this baritone. This man, who despite what a misleading exterior may convey, pours love and passion and humor into everything. Even something as simple as an apple pie. How lucky I have been, to sit on a kitchen stool, and watch the mystery and majesty of my father bake to perfection at 425°F

woah.

2011-05-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap
holy crap

i started my mission papers today. i just need to answer the last few questions, get my physical and see a dentist.
and then i turn them in.

i had a crazy dream last night that i had gotten my call even though i never started the paperwork. it was really weird and at first it said the Philippines and then it kept changing to stuff like Thailand and California and Alaska. just a different place every time i looked at it.

this is kind of a big deal.
and i'm kind of freaking out.

aloha oe.

2011-04-16T12:33:00.001-07:00

What we call the beginning is often the end.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
- T. S. Eliot

2011-04-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

today,
and this next week:

gonna be divine.

summer songs

2011-04-05T02:31:00.000-07:00

random thoughts.

I can't stop listening to country and british pop

edamame is delicious

today people have made me feel really good about myself

I love orange and pink together

my whole body mimics the temperature of my feet

I've been looking into film school

one of my favorite feelings is the feeling of summertime. ya know, carefree, full of laughter, windows down, music blasting, smiling from ear to ear, sort of thing. I'm making a playlist of songs that capture that feeling.
so far I've got :
Bruno Mars- Marry You
The Maine- Growing Up
Mayday Parade- Kids In Love
Jessie J- Price Tag
Neon Trees- Animal
Rascal Flatts- Summer Nights
We The Kings & Demi Lavato- We'll Be a Dream
LMFAO- Yes

suggestions anyone?

happy times.

2011-04-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

did you have a marvelous weekend?
I did.

I've been floating on, happy as can be, for the past week or so.
I go home in 12 days :]

ya know, I really am excited to get out of here, but I feel so much better about leaving now. some major, outlook-on-life shaping stuff has been going on the past week and I feel rejuvenated.
I was so excited for General Conference this weekend, and in the first few talks I heard so many things that I needed to be reminded of. I'm feeling really close to God right now, and have for the last little while.
I'm at peace. this semester was a huge funk for me, and it showed in so many things, my social life, my academic success, my fervor for everything. it's actually more like a lack thereof in all categories. but for now, the Big Man and I, we're on great terms.

I've mentioned before that I don't handle change well, but this one is going to be good. While I wish I could take all my friends back with me, I'm so anxious to just get to what I know I'm supposed to be doing. two weeks from now I'll be at home, spending time with family, and hopefully working, and most importantly, getting ready for my mission.
did I mention that I am extremely excited for that?? because I am.
I've known for almost a year that going on a mission is something that I'm going to do, something that I need to do. waiting to be old enough has been a pain in the butt, but it's getting closer!!!
even though where I'm going and what it will be like is still a huge mystery, I'm not even worried, I know it's going to be the best thing I'll do in my life, if not just my life thus far.

I can turn in my mission papers in:
51 days.

buttercream.

2011-03-30T02:12:00.000-07:00

I had no idea, but today someone made me see.
two and a half years. what must you have thought of me?
november 6th has always been so dear to my heart, but only now do I completely understand its significance.
I can't even comprehend all the things that were happening to you and all the pros and cons you had to weigh.
I still feel slightly justified in wanting to be a part of that consideration.
tonight I realized that those words at the beach were your sign to me that I had been. that even though your decision wasn't the one I wanted, you still wouldn't leave this place without giving me my own specific goodbye.
I may not know the details of how those things work, but something tells me you went above and beyond. I feel incredibly blessed.
how could I possibly thank you enough?
I am so painfully sorry that it took me this long to understand you, my favorite of them all, and your final words to me.
I hope that you can forgive my ignorance.
I love you just as much as always.
I cant wait to see you again, but in the meantime, I'm ready to let go.

fail.

2011-03-26T04:17:00.000-07:00

hey friends, it's been a while.
I'd say I was busy... but really I just had nothing to say.

this semester has been somewhat bitter-sweet.
I didn't want to even come back to school this semester so that I could work and save up for my mission, but I accepted that I had to come back. I tried to sign myself up for classes that I still needed but wouldn't add significantly to the stress of being here. I still had my job to add fun and money to the semester. I even got excited at the possibility of new things to come while I was back home for christmas.
but then I came back, and about two weeks in, I fell into a serious funk. the semester has had numerous good times and enjoyable, memorable moments, but most of them superficial. in addition:
I have been sick so many times this semester. cold/cough. back problems. strep. mono. cold/cough again. it's insane. the play I was in took up all of my free time in weekends making it impossible to do anything really worthwhile with friends or get out of laie. I spent the majority of the past months in serious anxiety stressing over whether to stay for spring. my mind has been completely out of focus and I've had no motivation to better myself at all the past three months.

it's awful.

I don't think I've ever wasted so much of my own time in my life. I've barely been productive, I've barely done anything fun, I've barely spent enough time with the people I love.

I'm sitting here right now, thinking about the fact that there are two weeks left in the semester, wondering what the hell I've done with my time and how it went by so quickly.

relief.

2011-03-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

I have been unbelievably anxious this semester. so many things are just crazy. classes aren't going well, they're so much more hectic than expected. the play took up all of my saturdays, no beach adventures this semester. and also I'm freaking out about getting ready for my mission.

but today I feel at peace.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time and vented and hyperventilated to her a little. she helped me come to a definite decision about how to handle the next three months and what I'm doing with my time. school, work, hawaii, home, etc.

things are good. I feel good. optimistic even.
I think the biggest obstacle was coming to terms with making such a big change.

but I am looking forward, and looking ahead. I finally feel completely at peace with the decision I've made.

6 weeks :]

requirement.

2011-03-03T02:05:00.000-08:00

i have put all of a cumulative twenty minutes throughout my life thinking about what i want in my future husband
ya know, the usual: funny, smart, driven, tall, caring, etc
that kinda stuff
other than being able to have intelligent and funny conversations with him,
i don't really care yet

but honestly, i cannot ever, under any circumstances,
imagine being stuck with someone for eternity
who doesn't completely love and appreciate
Les Miserables

i'm just sayin.
i feel like seeing that musical changes you
and should be a requirement for everyone in life.

sick.

2011-02-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

what happens when it's the fifth day you're sick in bed?

you sign up for netflix and watch the entire first season of Dexter, that's what.

I can't stop.

music.

2011-02-16T01:56:00.000-08:00

I miss singing. I mean actively singing; doing scales and other warm-ups and then singing from sheet music with a big group to the sound of piano keys.

since high school I haven't been in a choir or continued any training on my voice whatsoever. I wasn't phenomenal or anything back then, but I did pretty well for myself. I had been in chorus since fourth grade, had solos in concerts and a singing lead in my senior year musical.

I am not as good as I once was.
most singing now takes place on drives between laie and haleiwa or honolulu.
my voice is shaky and my range has decreased. it makes me really genuinely sad.
I love singing because when the notes and words are put together just right you get this feeling where your soul and all of your emotions are just too big to be contained within your body. I get chills or goosebumps so often when I listen to good music. there's such an incredible range of things you can feel when you listen to music and, in my opinion, even more when you're making it.

tonight I went through my itunes and made a playlist of all the songs I love singing.

I want to be musically oriented again. I want to play with harmonies again. I want to let emotions pour out of me again.

different.

2011-02-11T04:02:00.000-08:00

throughout my life my parents have always told me, "Erin, out of all our children, you are the one that has the hardest time handling and accepting change."

still so true.

i just really do not like change. i like my patterns. i like consistency. i like being able to depend on an expected outcome.

these things are not happening. instead, a myriad of awesome and also not awesome changes are taking place.
i'm still not handling it well.

price tag.

2011-02-06T03:31:00.000-08:00

this song will not stop playing in my head.

i'm not that upset about it.

today.

2011-02-03T01:41:00.000-08:00

today has really been incredible.
it has just been all-around fantastic.

I don't particularly enjoy waking up early, but I'm not even upset that I had to.
today I just feel blessed. I am an extremely negative person at times and I have this thing where I constantly complain about the fact that I'm still stuck in a place I want to be away from, about people around me, about the school I attend, about just a lot of things in general.
thinking about it, today I haven't felt the need or had anything to complain about.
from the very beginning of today I saw tender mercies everywhere.

this morning I prayed to remember where my keys were and instantly the image of a hoodie pocket popped into my head. there they were.
I enjoyed an easy night at work with coworkers and friends. that job has been such a blessing.
I managed to write a letter to a close friend serving a mission that I may have been neglecting.

but my favorite:
I had the opportunity to read some essays from my classmates in creative writing. there were two specifically that might be the best things I've read in a long time.

one was about childhood summers spent playing with a kind and loving grandfather out on the trampoline. love was literally dripping from every word in that essay. I read it during my religion class today, and what do you know, I cried. it was beyond beautiful, and extremely well-written.

the other was about the love and concern and hope felt for a younger brother [who was following in some maybe not so great footsteps of the elder]. when I read that essay, I was so overwhelmed with admiration. I realized that the person, and no doubt the seemingly incredible family he came from, are probably amongst the highest quality people on this earth.

for all I complain about hating people and how much the human race just sucks in general, I absolutely love real, genuine glimpses into people's lives where they bare their souls and what you see there is completely beautiful. people like this and the beauty they created in their writing make me want to be an optimist. it took me by surprise, and had a pretty big impact on my day.

I want to see and feel the majesty in things around me

wowza.

2011-02-02T16:49:00.001-08:00

I HAVE BEEN SO PRODUCTIVE TODAY.

I woke up at 7 this morning, can you believe it?!
it was crazy. not gonna lie, it took a solid half hour for my brain to start functioning.
since then it's been nothing but classes and writing to missionaries and homework and more classes and now I finally have a break.
I cant decide if I should take a nap so I can handle having to work till 11 tonight or just keep the streak going. holy dilemma batman.

random thought time:
I think I'm going to apply to be an efy counselor this summer. I have no idea if they're still accepting applications, but I'll give it a shot tonight.

it bothers me that I have not perfected a system where I can always come home to a cold bottle of water.

my room is a disaster.

all I've eaten today is a blueberry eggo and a cookie from a friend. I'm starving.

I've decided.

2011-01-29T02:37:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy writing personal essays.

I'd never given creative writing a go before this semester. I'm enrolled in advanced creative writing and we've been reading tons of "creative nonfiction" (basically essays of the personal experience type). I really like this genre. I love literature don't get me wrong, but I find it so much easier to relate and discover with this genre.

I wrote my first ever piece of non-academic writing (if you don't count my rants on this blog) and I loved it. I wrote about what it was like to be type-cast as the bitch in high school both on and off stage. I brought a really strong theater element into it and tried to make it fun to read.

I had such a good time with the assignment. I was really nervous because our entire class is reading each other's essays so I wasn't sure how people would react but I was so pleasantly surprised that most people loved it. I'm so freaking glad haha. I was kinda freakin out about it. I think there are definitely things I need to work on with it but I actually feel like I'm gonna continue with this assignment and play around with it for a while rather than just getting a grade and leaving it.

I want to write more!! I'm thinking about writing an essay on the impact my siblings have had on my life.

for sanity's sake.

2011-01-29T02:31:00.000-08:00

Haven't had something I actually wanted to blog about in a while, but I think everyone should go out and watch this movie:

so so so so good. I have no clue if it's real or not but either way it's incredibly captivating and takes you by surprise like you wouldn't believe.
you know something is off, but you can't even fathom how intricate everything gets.

fantastic.

catfish+ jersey shore+ friends + catch phrase

great night :]

2011-01-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

i didn't realize it would be this hard to write 2000 words about myself.

:[
this essay was supposed to be easy

right now

2011-01-13T23:16:00.001-08:00

I have a tummy full of haleiwa eats
I'm cuddled up in my snuggie
and I'm watching Jersey Shore

in this particular moment, I am very content.

rain.

2011-01-13T00:24:00.000-08:00

alright, rain may be a good thing where I come from, but this is getting ridiculous. in hawaii it is not making corn and therefore whiskey, so no one's baby is getting frisky. instead we are all just getting wet and having no electricity.

the thing I love about rain in maryland is that there is an entire season for thunderstorms with beautiful lightning. from august to october you can expect anywhere from fog to downpours on a pretty daily basis.
in hawaii, between december and march you can expect extremely sporadic downpours all day every day. there is an extreme downside to this other than the obvious fact that this is supposed to be paradise. that downside is the additional fact that laie is completely ghetto.
to be more specific: power outages.

in maryland a storm only brings a power outage if it has been raining all day and there is tremendous thunder and lightning.
this past week it has rained at least once every single day here on our little island, and we hadn't had thunder or lightning until this evening. however, our power has gone out about six times in the past week. sometimes for ten minutes, sometimes all day. [as in today]

so while I don't mind rain all that much, it really sucks to have your power go out on a daily basis and to have to ride your bike to school in the rain.

rain, please go away.

forgetful.

2011-01-12T01:19:00.001-08:00

I sometimes forget how incredible some things are.

this time around, I forgot how much I love musical theater. it is an art. plain and simple. I forgot the power that songs from musicals can have.

my favorite musical is Les Miserables. it is majestic.
I especially love the 10th anniversary concert performance.

here's my favorite song:

just listening to the combination of his voice and those violins makes my soul feel infinite.
I might sound hyperbolic or over-dramatic but music touches me in a way nothing else can, and I find this performance to be a beautiful representation of musical theater as genuine art.

2011-01-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

this sunlight feels synthetic.
and I'm having deja vu.

two weeks.

2010-12-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

has been flying by.

every time I come home it's a very different experience than the last.
being an adult in the place you were a kid is a weird sensation.
I kinda like that I'm half-way reverting back to that. I really like my old room, and my house is so beautiful at christmas. I absolutely love driving around westminster and the surrounding parts of the county. I realize how beautiful this place is more and more with each visit back. I love seeing old friends after months and even years and discovering that nothing has changed even though our lives are completely different. I like being able to get a small portion of my life back from when I was much more carefree and passionate about it.

I also love how the holidays make everyone feel. everything is lit up and beautiful. the clothes are warm and cozy and hot chocolate is never-ending. everyone is just in a loving and giving mood. it's clear to see the spirit of Christ all around even though people sometimes don't register that it's such a huge part of why holidays are special. without that spirit, the holidays would be fun, but they wouldn't feel majestic.

being home for the break is so perfect, and I feel like it's been a confirmation that I need to go back to hawaii for this last semester rather than working before my mission. rather than skeptical and somewhat begrudging, I'm very suddenly excited for 2011 and what it will bring.
new classes
new roommates
new coworkers
new social circles
new resolutions
new perspectives
new habits
new understanding
new knowledge
and hopefully a lot more.

feliz navidad, y espero que tengan un año neuvo muy feliz.
yo sé que seré.

home for the holidays.

2010-12-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

the weather outside is indeed frightful.
but I'm attempting to remain indoors, or walk to and from the car in less than 15 seconds so that I don't resent how cold it is.

I'm trying to stay very positive despite having icy feet because I'm just so excited to finally be home. Our house looks beautiful and smells like cinnamon and pie. delicious.

I absolutely cannot wait to see Colin and Jen and my nephews. My mom has so much fun stuff to do with them and I'm so excited! they've gotten so big from what I can see on Jen's blog and might be the funniest little boys ever. One thing I just realized, I'm the youngest and this will be the first christmas in forever that there will be little kids anxiously awaiting Santa's visit. it's going to be so cute watching them get all excited :]

I love christmas. I really do.
it's a beautiful time of year and it does beautiful things to people's hearts.

Merry Christmas everyone.

cliche

2010-12-12T20:02:00.000-08:00

here's my post about how stressful finals week is.

...a lot.
I honestly don't even really know what's going on haha so I'm just goin with it.
I just know I still work this week and I'm panicking a little about getting everything done for my certification so I won't get fired...

and oh, this rain needs to stop.

2010-12-08T02:48:00.000-08:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

laughter.

2010-12-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

enjoy.

Passive Aggressive Notes
My Mom is a FOB
People of Walmart
Unrelated Captions
LameBook
Cake Wrecks
Unnecessary Quotation Marks

if only.

2010-12-02T03:32:00.000-08:00

if I could have a conversation with any non-living person, it would be Kurt Vonnegut.

hands down.

majestic.

2010-11-30T02:57:00.000-08:00

our christmas tree is giving off the most beautiful glow right now.
today has been splendid, and for so many reasons.

to name a few:
my postmodern lit teacher is increasingly becoming one of the most interesting people i have ever encountered.
i really missed seeing my classmates and coworkers during the break
it's nice to get back to a routine
day one of the facebook fast: success.
i was so productive!

I'm sitting in my living room because I can't sleep
all the lights are out but there's a beautiful glow from the colored lights lining the ceiling and our silver christmas tree which is complete with ornaments and candy canes.
accenting the lights and tree are strands of red garland and, the best part, stockings hung up on the entertainment center. my roommate even lit some candles and it smells like cinnamon and nutmeg.

the whole room is completely precious.

so being in this room right now after a great day, listening to josh groban sing about christmas, anticipating dinner with my dad tomorrow and knowing that in 18 days I'll be on my way home is making me extremely happy.

12 hours

2010-11-29T14:36:00.000-08:00

not even a full day into the facebook fast and i already want to break it.

pathetic.

thankful :]

2010-11-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

today being thanksgiving and all, I figured I would give in and do the cheesy what I'm thankful for post.

today I am grateful for:

skype
so I can talk to my sister in china and my parents and extended family in north carolina and pretend like I'm actually with them

my Casa de Chicas friends
for all getting together and having a family dinner tonight

my english major/spanish class besties
because they are awesome and maybe a little crazy at times but they give the best hugs and we have so much fun together

christmas music
because there's nothing like holiday cheer

there are alot more obviously but those are the ones that are feeling the most prominent today

hope everyone has a marvelous food-and-fun-filled thanksgiving :]

optimism.

2010-11-24T00:11:00.000-08:00

anyone that interacts with me on a semi-regular basis knows a few basic things.

I am cynical. I am sarcastic. I am blunt. I am opinionated. I am judgmental. I am critical. I am negative.

but here's the thing; I understand and recognize those character traits are ones that I posses. I have known for years. I am fully aware that people can get a bad impression of me because those qualities are so frequently displayed.
guess what.
if I had a problem with that, I would have changed it when I won awards for my art of being a bitch in high school.

my cynicism comes from the fact that so many people have led me to understand the reality that people are not always decent or good.
my sarcasm comes from my ability to understand situations and the absurdity of them.
my blunt comments come from the belief that people should be honest rather than petty and fake.
my opinions come from life-long observations of how people act and the impression they give me.
my judgments come from noticing things that I hope not to be or do.
my criticism comes from being told to and having the natural ability to think analytically.
my negativity comes from an awareness of the bad that is all around me in situations, in others, and most importantly within myself.

you may not agree with my behaviors or my personality or my views on people and life but I don't need you to, just like I don't need to approve of yours. everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am in no way saying that my negative character traits are acceptable and should be embraced by those around me. all I am saying is that you have your personality, and I have mine.
why in the world can't we both accept that?

if you don't like me, I encourage you to be honest and accepting of that opinion. I'm sorry that any positive qualities I might posses haven't been enough to overshadow your focus on my negative ones. but clearly you have reasons to think that way and I haven't tried to prevent you from forming that opinion.

so can we just accept the reality that we don't like each other and realize that life is still going on?

why am i still here?

2010-11-20T03:04:00.001-08:00

can someone please tell me?

[disclaimer]
i hope no one takes this the wrong way, it's absolutely nothing personal.
i have so many friends here that i love to death and am so grateful for
and i really do love my job and the people ive been able to meet this semester
but...

tonight i realized something.
despite the fact that i've been a lot happier here than before, i still want to leave so badly.
if my parents called me in the morning and said

"we understand and support you, and we're ok with you not finishing the semester. it's ok, just let your boss know what's going on and that you're sorry you have to quit. put the ticket on the credit card, just come back and figure things out and that'll be fine."

i would pack my bags and leave for the airport immediately.

sitting here right now, i cannot think of a single thing that would make me hesitate to leave.
there are definitely things and people that i would miss deeply,
but not enough to keep me here.

i cannot wait to say my final farewell to this place.

summertime blues

2010-11-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

if we're being completely honest here, I'm still not over what happened this summer.
the first month back exceeded my expectations of the happiness being home would create.
but then there was an angry phone call that carried with it hurt feelings, lost respect and broken hearts, and caused somewhat irreparable damage.

plain and simple,
what happened this summer broke my heart and I haven't done a very good job of putting it back together.
by the looks of things, it might be another two and a half years before any kind of real resolution comes.

everyday something reminds me of how bad this situation really is and I hate it.
is it so strange that I want to hate these people for ruining so many things in my life?

I want to hate them so badly, and for the rest of my life. but even more than I want to loathe them, I miss them being in my life.

hmm..

2010-11-10T01:54:00.000-08:00

I don't usually blog about churchy stuff, but this has been really important to me lately, and I thought I'd share my thoughts.

I've been having a lot more spiritual experiences than usual lately.
I mean, it's been a conscious effort to make that the case, and it's working.
I'm a pretty huge fan of this.
especially after going to the open house, I cannot wait until I can go to the temple. Not to get married, and not to do baptisms with my ward. those are great reasons, but what I am really craving is the day that I can sit in the celestial room and have that feeling again. The place wasn't even dedicated and I've never felt peace like that in my whole life. I want to have hundreds of moments of being alone with the spirit in that room.
with that in mind, I've been trying to make some changes. It's been kinda rough, because they're really simple things that I've just been neglecting. Like morning prayer, loving my neighbor, forgiveness, and seeking opportunities to feel the spirit.
it's about two weeks into the 30 day goal my roommate and I have and it's been very hard, but I can already see the benefits. I feel the spirit so much more and I couldn't be happier about it.

I went to devotional today and I swear to you, that musical number came straight from angels. I was on the verge of an all-out breakdown. Chills, chest on fire, tearing up, everything. While I listened to that song I felt too infinite and larger-than-life to be contained within my body.
the concert choir sang How Great Thou Art. if I could pick one word to describe it, majestic.

so in the spirit of everyone's thankful posts, I am thankful for being a member of this church and the fact that I can feel the spirit of God around me and know that God loves me.

copycat.

2010-11-06T06:13:00.001-07:00

since homesickness has been an increasing problem and I am currently stressed like crazy, my thoughts have been pretty negative lately. no bueno! I need to fix that.
so how about I get nice and cheesy for you all.

lets take a lesson from someone who knows how to stay positive.

my turn:

I like my house
I like my roommates
I like my bike
I like the rain
I like catchphrase
I like theater
I like postmodern lit
I like my teachers
I like my sweatpants
I like my classmates
I like spanish

let's kick it up a notch shall we?

I love my family
I love my niece and nephews
I love my friends
I love my coworkers
I love my job
I love the swings
I love clue
I love learning
I love the scriptures
I love music
I love people-watching

a little random, but go with it.
I think that's a pretty sufficient list for tonight, wouldn't you agree?

today,

2010-11-03T02:44:00.001-07:00

I am feeling homesick.

the more time I spend away from home the more I realize what a beautiful place it is.
it's not just how pretty I think it is either, I'm appreciating the little things that make a place feel like home.

the things I miss the most:

thunderstorms and lightning
the color of leaves in the fall
my dog sleeping in my room
driving the back roads between all the farms
going to the big slide with friends
the comfy feeling of wearing fall clothes
the blue chair in the family room
watching cary grant movies in my parents room
the view of downtown westminster from mcdaniel hill
visiting my high school stage
the feeling of familiarity

I've tried really hard to embrace being here, and I absolutely love the family of friends that I have, but there's no denying it; this place is a waiting room.
it's a lull period.
it's an escape from reality

this is not home.
this is not where my heart feels at home.
this is not a place that will become my home.

I reside here, and I'm loving the experience,
but this place is not mine.

oh heck, let's go for round two.

2010-10-29T04:31:00.000-07:00

these people remind me that acting is an art, and movies can be a masterpiece.

oh to be an artist of their caliber.

perspective.

2010-10-29T04:01:00.000-07:00

uh-oh. this might be a long one.
I haven't really mapped it out in my mind, but I need to get stuff out.
journals take forever and my hands hurt from trying to write the thoughts as quickly as they come.

my thought processes have been changing.
no lie, in the past two weeks I feel like my mind has completely shifted it's m.o.
do you think it might be normal that I sometimes don't understand how my brain works? like really, how is that possible? that a person wouldn't understand their own brain and what's happening in there. I feel like that a lot. but especially the past few weeks.
I'm coasting through my days as my usual self, sometimes happy and funny, sometimes sarcastic and sullen, when all of a sudden I have very strong out-of-body thoughts. Like things I never ever think about especially not in a positive way have been popping up in my head and trying to convince me that they're desirable and ideal.
[sidenote: this isn't like, a temptation of the devil kind of thought, its actually something I'm supposed to want]

I was really nervous to turn twenty.and I was right to be. I was so skeptical because it meant I was in my twenties. what a strange sentence. have you ever thought about that? what being in your twenties means? generally speaking, it means that within the next five years or so the individual will likely be moving toward marriage and children and settling down in thst house in the suburbs. in the LDS community, it means within the next two or you're slow on the uptake.

I am so not ready to be the age where these things are a reality. I don't feel ready to be going through changes as significant as the ones happening to me. I am too analytical and obsessive to let myself go with the flow of the early-twenties. I am too set in my ways to be craving foreign things.
but now there is this person in my brain. she looks kind of like me, but her eyes are brighter and gentler, and she smiles at people more. she's kinda toward the back of my skull, and she's fighting hard to get all settled in, right up close to the windows in my eyes. she wants to change the way I see things. I think she knows what's best for me, but I don't know if I'm cool with this stranger taking control of my eyesight. will I like what I see when she does?

30 days.

2010-10-28T00:55:00.000-07:00

I'm makin changes.
I need to get things together.
for 30 days.
lots of goals.
kinda nervous, but Bri is by my side.

30 days.
keep your fingers crossed for me.

let me introduce you

2010-10-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

to an incredible person.
unforgettable.
genuine.
unique.
analytical.
hilarious.
spontaneous.
passionate.
driven.
insightful.
the most wise-beyond-her-years person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

she was my best friend.
plain and simple, I miss her.

two years gone, two years too long.
♥ Caitlin Marie Boles

ugh

2010-10-25T05:51:00.001-07:00

well this just hurts like two years today was yesterday.

rant much?

2010-10-17T03:29:00.000-07:00

how could you possibly not understand basic rules of human interaction?
are you serious?
I genuinely can't figure out which is worse: you doing this because you enjoy making people hate you or because you really think your actions are an acceptable way to live and function.

what mystifies me more than your behavior is your obliviousness to how people view you. do you really not see it? do you genuinely have no idea how awful you are? I have not encountered a single redeeming quality in you. that has never happened to me before. even the people I hate the most in this world have touched my heart or won my favor in at least some minuscule way. but I literally have never had a good thing to say about you. don't misunderstand me, I do not waste my time talking to people about how much I dislike you, and I do understand that Christ loves everyone and as His follower I am commanded to love everyone as well. I love you. I will absolutely help you if you need it. I've done countless nice things for you already because I'm a relatively decent person. but honey, there's a clear distinction between love and like, and it works both ways. I love you, but I do not in any way like you.

how about you do us all a huge favor and take a good long look in the mirror of self-realization. it won't be a pretty sight.

this is in no way an attempt to make you better understand yourself for the desired end result that you will change so I can actually respect you and that we will become chummy and one day be old friends. definitely not.
this is purely because I find you annoying, and I believe in the freedom of expression.

is it weird

2010-10-14T03:19:00.000-07:00

that my job at the Reading/Writing Center has exponentially increased my happiness here?

the combination of being a tutor and the people I get to work with have joined together to make some sort of magical upper that I've been floating on for weeks.

keep it up kids.

why?

2010-10-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

according to good ol' Merriam-Webster, the definition of indecision is

a wavering between two or more possible courses of action

so I have this thing about words and analyzing their literal meaning and connotation and what they can imply and why each word is chosen as opposed to the millions of other possibilities.

"wavering"

that is the perfect word to describe my current indecision. it's not just that I can't figure out what to do with the next year. this is what happens in my indecision:
there are about three or four definitive and detailed courses of action that I have planned out for the next year. one day I discuss the details of these options with various people [friends, parents, siblings, roommates] and I dwell on all the aspects of that course in relation to the others and I dwell on it and pray about it and I decide, this is what I am going to do. I have my answer.
two days later, I have a moment or conversation that takes me completely by surprise and makes me think holy bananas, what was I thinking, it's so clear that course 1 was not correct and that course 2 or 3 is the clear and obvious route I should take.

can I just ask one question about this?
why??
I would much prefer to be equally confused everyday rather than fooled into thinking I can actually make a decision about my own life.

to the people that read this, I'm sorry this has been such a continuous theme for my blog lately but this is my place for expression right? and indecision is the only thing on my mind lately. it has taken over my brain and life and thoughts.

I think I want guidance right now more than I've ever wanted anything.

leave Britney alone.

2010-09-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

great day.
fun at work, espanol, theater makeup, Glee with friends.

two weeks into fall semester and things are already radically different.
good? bad?
both.

I've found that I'm not sure what's happening with my personality.
High-school Erin is making a comeback. uh-oh. watch your back.
[that wasn't meant to be sarcastic or pompous, I'm genuinely concerned about how it will effect my friendships]

I've found that I'm starting to place the people I see regularly into one of the following categories.

person 1:
let's be frank, you are extremely annoying. your attention-whore nature is a little excessive and don't disillusion yourself by thinking I'm the only one who feels this way. don't get me wrong, you have your moments of awesomeness but they're increasingly few and far apart. when those moments do come it turns into "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie". you can't stop. you're also much too needy and I need to get myself together before I can keep helping you.
what happened to your pedestal? I kept you up there for a while, and it's been yanked out from under you quite abruptly.

person 2:
where have you been this whole time? I've become intrigued and excited to get to know you as quickly as I lost my desire to know person 1. you're hilarious. you're pensive. you're witty. you're intriguing. you're genuine. you make me think that maybe my parents are on to something when they try to convince me to stay here. you're not new, I just hadn't taken the time to appreciate what I have when it comes to our friendship. how do I apologize for that kind of a mistake? if you know which words can cover it please tell me. thank you for being someone I instantly respect, being an example to me, and giving me more faith in people in general. apparently not everyone's crazy :]

I know we aren't supposed to judge, and we've been commanded to love everyone equally, but let's be honest.
I've never been the best at that.

life's tricky.

2010-09-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with my mom today about what I'm doing with life and what not.
She told me that this past summer that when I told her I was going to serve a mission in sacrament meeting one day she instantly knew that was why I'd had so much trouble deciding on what to do with my life. Because "you don't need to know yet".

Only problem is that the next year is not planned at all and I hate not having a plan. My mom thinks this is my lesson in how to "go with the flow". gross.

So, I've figured out some little details, but as far as the big stuff, I'm trying to just take what life hands me and take it one day at a time.

1. Monday morning I'm switching my major to English and dropping the Ed part.
- I don't want to teach here so I'm going to figure out what state I want to live in and then get my teaching certificate.
-a non-education major means a lot more job opportunities if I decide I don't want to teach.

2. I'm taking a course at the community college this summer to get my Event Planning Certification.

and that's all I got.

oh mickey.

2010-09-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

cohabitation is kinda strange.
like living with someone who could very well be a small part of your life.
I've had new roommates every semester. some horrible. some even worse than that. some incredible. and some that worked perfectly.
generally speaking, when it comes to the people I cohabit with, I either love them or hate them.

guess who got lucky this semester?
this girl.

I have five roommates this time around thanks to the fact that BYUH is idiotic and admits more people than they have housing for, and I love every single one of them. I'm genuinely sad that I don't have the opportunity to spend more time with them at the house. I'm never home and i usually come home after they've gone to bed and leave after they're already in class in the morning.
it's kinda devastating because I know they all have a ton of fun together and I'm missing out.
I feel really lucky to live with them though, they still love me even though I'm not included in their inside jokes as much.
aaaand they made me the cutest birthday cake last night.
they're great.

new goal:
appreciate what I have, and spend more time at home.

I'd rather not.

2010-09-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

Photograph, remembering the summer
It takes me back,
To Southern California.

Where the girls would all pass
On the boardwalk and laugh
At our desperate attempts and our sunburned backs
We never had a chance, I remember that
And no matter what we do,
We'll never lose what we had growing up.

Won't bring us down.
Yeah, growing up,
It won't bring us down,
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down

Graduate, what's a kid to do now?
Get away, yeah-ah.
We've got so much to prove.
Cause it's time to move on
And I'm stuck to let go,
But then Wonderwall comes on the radio,
I flashback to the night in your parent's yard,
When we drank too much and we talked about god...

Growing up, won't bring us down.
Growing up, it won't bring us down.
We're in this together,
Yeah, we'll make it somehow,
Nothing's gonna stop us now...
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down
Oh-oh-oh

Photograph, oh give me something to remember

Growing up, won't bring us down.
Growing up, it won't bring us down.
We're in this together,
Yeah, we'll make it somehow,
Nothing's gonna stop us now...
Growing up won't bring us down
Growing up won't bring us down (won't bring us down)
Growing up won't bring us down (won't bring us down)
Growing up won't bring us... down.

snap

2010-09-13T02:19:00.001-07:00

back to reality.

break has been unbelievably fun. I feel so much closer to my friends than I did before just in a matter of a week. we've gone on so many adventures, had countless meaningful discussions, and made a thousand new memories.
I don't think I've laughed this hard in months.

it wasn't just a break from school either.
break from work
break from thinking
break from drama
break from obligations
break from fronts
break from caring
break from frustration

it was beautiful.
and now, there is one day left.
it's ending too quickly
but, as eminem so eloquently put it:

snap! back to reality.

dreams be dreams.

2010-09-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

don't you just love a mellow day?

I started the day with some banana pancakes at Hukilau Cafe and when I got home some Jack Johnson was in order. it completely set the tone for the rest of the day.

today was simplistic and heart-warming.

the whole day was filled with ease.

I caught up with friends I hadn't spoken to in weeks and months.

I mixed my two separate worlds some more.

I was introduced to MasterChef. I've never been so embarrassed about my inability to cook.

I strengthened some friendships.

I spent the night with my close friends; laughing, bonding, and feeling like a family.

do you ever feel infinite?

I do.

2010-09-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

tonight I was amazed.

I was amazed by the incredible strength of a friend.
both physical and spiritual.

tonight I feel how much I really love and care for my friends.
tonight I understand how distress can bring people together.
tonight I was able to release a lot of built up commotion in my brain.

I would prefer it if tonight never happened again.

ever.

anticipation.

2010-09-03T01:46:00.000-07:00

I really hope a lot more people come for fall.
and I hope a large portion of them are NOT freshman.

I want to make more friends.
I want to make more memories.
I want to do more exciting things.
is that weird?

that I want these things that will only make it harder for me to leave in december?

I still want them though.
really badly.

things I want from my last three months in Hawaii:
reaffirmation that I'm making the right decision.
memories with my closest friends.
solidifying my friendships here so that I won't lose them.
to enjoy every bit of being here.
to realize that being here is still an adventure and not a routine.
to appreciate the gift I was given when Heavenly Father pretty much singled out this campus as my only option.
to understand that this will be one of the most incredible experiences I will ever have.

my indecision is getting extremely old.
literally every single day someone seems to be able to talk me into deciding the other option.

tonight one person put it like this:
"oh man, is Provo calling?"

that sentence horrified me.

almost there.

2010-08-30T00:15:00.001-07:00

I've finally made the first half of my decision.

drumroll...

not that it's a big surprise or anything, I've been saying this for a while:

I will not be coming back to BYU Hawaii after Christmas.

it's a little sad I guess but it's what I need.

and now the hard part,

Utah or Oklahoma?

2010-08-28T01:38:00.000-07:00

I'm really sick of all these ups and downs.
so not worth it.

oh, the roommate.

2010-08-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

out of nowhere this morning.

looks up from computer and says with a smile:

"I love it when people dress their cats up in Halloween costumes"

words to live by.

2010-08-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

"Take a sad song, and make it better."

new goal? perhaps.

I. Love. Tonight.

2010-08-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about why.

Have you ever been to Kahuku Grill?

Delicious.

the mural inside is beautiful, the food is superb, the background music is perfect.

I love those types of restaurants. the kind that has patio seating so you can enjoy the terrific weather. the kind that seems a bit rundown in its exterior but never struggles to remain open. the kind of place that looks like you would get fast-food quality but the food melts in your mouth and activates suppressed tastebuds. the place where you feel completely comfortable and at home sitting at a table with your friends eating burgers and lunch plates.

So there's this place called 7th Hole.

It's in Kahuku, and people generally go there to have bonfires at night.

Tonight I am very pleased to announce, our little cluster of usuals broke out of our cycle. We did not watch a movie. We interacted with other people. We got out of Laie [just barely, but still..]. We had a marvelous time.

That place and I have a history. One of the most incredible experiences I've ever had was at that beach. November 6th 2008. Infinite. While I was dipping my toes in the water there again and taking in the majestic night sky, I missed Caitlin a lot more than I had in a while. I will never forget that place.

Friendship is a funny thing.

You're basically saying, "you meet my standards of an acceptable person to have around, is it mutual? yes? perfect, let's spend heaps of time together and come up with insane and phenomenal and hilarious memories and pray to God it lasts as long as we want it to"

I've found that I cling to my friends more than they could ever realize. I do not like to be alone. When I'm alone I can't be distracted from the things that are too complicated to let my mind figure out. I genuinely get a high from being around my friends. That feeling is magnified on nights when I can tangibly feel those bonds becoming stronger and new ones forming. I crave that feeling.

Tonight that occurred a lot.

In addition:

grape Nos is delicious.

I'm not convinced they didn't makeout ;]

Heff, the bestie, gave me a haircut at about 3:30 am

and threw in some bangs at about 4.

Across the Universe is an incredible film.

I am a movie nerd. So bad.

[if you made it all the way through this, kudos. for real. I just kinda needed to get it all out cuz I dont have my journal and I wanted to remember the way I felt tonight. Probably the happiest night I've had in months.]

now I know my ABCs

2010-08-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

My bestie Heff did a blog about this and I'm a copycat.

So here's my life [right now at least,] in ABCs

A is for

Admiration. I've come across a few people this term that I really want to be more like.

B is for

having a Bonfire tonight. and two of my best friends here, Bree and Becca.

C is for

Casey who I miss a lot, Crystal my roommate, and the fact that I never Cook.

D is for

Dead Poet's Society, my favorite movie.

E is for

Endless fun. my friends and I have been doing things non-stop.

F is for

Frida Kahlo, my beautifully colorful fish

G is for

Ghetto. aka this town. and Gerber daisies, my favorite flower.

H is for

Haleiwa Eats, my favorite restaurant.

I is for

Indecision, the thing that is taking over my life.

J is for

Joking around with people. It's fun to see them try to decide if I'm serious :]

K is for

Kickin arse in my spanish class.

L is for

Late nights, there seem to be a lot lately...

M is for

The Maine is having a concert here in a month and I LOVE that band.

N is for

making New friends.

O is for

Over-spending. I need to get that in check real quick.

P is for

Playgrounds, and Planning adventures.

Q is for

Quarrels. They seem to happen frequently.

R is for

Reading Writing Center tutor, my new job.

S is for

Sharisse, an incredible friend, Sommer, who I also miss way too much, and Sun.

T is for

really needing a Tan.

U is for

Utah. hmmm...

V is for

trying to Visualize how I want my life. unsuccessfully I might add.

W is for

Washing machines that do not work! ugh.

X is for

Xerox. I somehow jammed the copy machine at work today. failure.

Y is for

Yellow. I've been noticing that yellow makes me extremely happy lately.

Z is for

Zoolander movie night, the first time I had people over to my house.

premature quarter-life crisis

2010-08-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

that's how I spent most of the day.

hawaii?
utah?
oklahoma?
english ed?
communications?
mission?
travel?
college?

nothing like hugely important life decisions to help weigh down your mind.

euphoria.

2010-08-09T04:06:00.000-07:00

we're starting to get reacquainted.

:]

a lot can happen in 24 hours.

2010-08-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

ya know,

shaking hands with Johnny Depp
movie night
trip to the beach
thai food
driving past JACK JOHNSON
and dessert at turtle bay.

not gonna lie, I was more excited about finally seeing Jack Johnson after two full years of hoping than I was to have touched Johnny Depp.

I absolutely love them both, but I've waited for the moment when I unexpectedly had the opportunity to lay eyes on a full-bearded Jack Johnson for soooooo long. It was magical.

did I mention I love living in Hawaii?
I certainly do now anyway.

"Time Passes Differently There"

2010-08-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

have you ever seen the movie Stardust?
well part of the plot is that a boy [Tristan] must cross The Wall into the other world or whatever to retrieve the just-fallen star as a token of his love for a girl [Victoria] and he has to do it by her birthday which is in a week.

well, tonight as I watched with friends, both new and old, I realized that the meat of the movie could not possibly take less than a week. I didn't count how many times they went to sleep or anything but the passing-time montages spoke for themselves. it seemed like much longer.

and it reminded me of Hawaii. tomorrow marks two weeks since I've been back. I could swear it's been two months. each individual day seems to go by insanely fast, but I feel as though I never even left. as though this summer was a terrific dream gone horribly wrong half-way through. either that or I'm on crazy pills [don't get me wrong, that's a perfectly reasonable possibility]. all day tomorrow I will be thinking "It's only been two weeks?? You've got to be kidding me."

It's starting to sink in that the next five months are going to be long ones.

musica.

2010-07-27T02:10:00.000-07:00

I love discovering new music.
Have you ever noticed the impact music can have?
It's a curious thing, words and notes being put together. Funny how such a simple concept can bring about such miraculous results.

One of my favorite things is when you have a certain feeling that you can't quite describe or put into words. Sure you can generalize it and encase it into a single adjective that doesn't quite encapsulate what really flows through you, but who wants that?
Well, my favorite thing is when you have a feeling that you can't express or even figure out by yourself and then one day, you're listening to Pandora.com and a song you've never heard comes on and suddenly you find that someone else has already found the perfect and precise way to combine ups and downs of melody with touching and expository lyrics to describe what you feel.

I distinctly remember the day I first heard "You Be the Anchor That Keeps My Feet on the Ground, I'll Be the Wings That Keep Your Heart in the Sky" [Mayday Parade], and it completely embodied how I felt about Matt's death and having to wait by the phone for any updates on how Caitlin was doing... for some reason it seemed to exactly describe my individual situation within the whole catastrophe of my best friend's passing.
something in my brain just clicked like a K'Nex set.

It happened again when I heard "Gone Away" [Lucy Schwartz], this summer after the insane drama the ensued while I was home. My emotions about the whole drawn-out fiasco were so random and all over the place that I legitimately went a little bit crazy. Too much in my life changed this summer and that song helped me understand my reaction to it better.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me so in love with music.
Want my respect?
have an ipod full of genuine, real, meaningful music.
or better, write your own songs and show me your soul.

2010-07-24T02:44:00.000-07:00

"here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams"
[good band. great song.]

Here are some things you may not know about me:

I really love carrots.
Riding a bike makes me feel like I'm in the movie Now & Then and I love it.
If I had to pick one thing I'm the most grateful for, it's that I spent half of my life so far living overseas.
I am a firm believer that you have to question things to find answers.
I do not like to take a stance on the majority of political issues, and voting isn't my thing.
I want to learn to play the harmonica, and be better at the piano.

just some fun facts for you.

back and forth.

2010-07-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

being in college makes me extremely frustrated.

I like spontaneity and all, but generally speaking, my day-to-day requires consistency.
so the whole:
hawaii three months
maryland two weeks
hawaii three months
maryland three months
hawaii five months

yeah, that thing, I'm not a huge fan.
the full day of travel time each way doesn't help either.

summer song.

2010-07-14T12:54:00.001-07:00

Am I Bovvered?

2010-07-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm the first to admit,

2010-07-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

I do not handle things well.
Stress stays inside me. It feeds and festers and overwhelms.
Anxiety, you are my closest friend. Whether I beg you to come by or you show up at my door unannounced, it's good to know you'll be here for a nice long visit.

I do not like:
change.
confusion.
people.
drama.
contention.
ignorance.

oh, and you. it's about time you got out of my life.
wouldn't you agree?

maturity.

2010-07-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

you have it, or you don't.
do I? who knows.

you don't.

go ahead and say what you like. you're more disposable from my life than you could ever imagine. I sincerely hope you didn't fool yourself into thinking I care about any of this or about you.

three years is a long time, and who knows, it may turn into a lifelong circumstance.

with everything in me, I certainly hope so.

school.

2010-06-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

I genuinely believe that I am and will always be a student at heart.
Ever since I can remember I have counted down the days until the end of August approached. The end of August means Fall. It means new beginnings. It means school supplies.

Fall is my favorite season. I mean, who doesn't love Spring and Summer, right? But Fall, that's where the magic happens. And not just because my birthday is in September, although that is extremely imprtant as well. An East-coast Fall is one of the most beautiful things you can be enveloped in. The multiple shades of red, orange, and yellow trees bring warmth to a person's soul. Watching and listening to thunderstorms in the late afternoon and evening always make me feel nostalgic and cozy. And as a girl, I must point out, the gradual drop in temperature makes need for the best clothing options out there. There is just something majestic about the feeling fall brings. Remind me why I moved to Hawaii?....I can't seem to remember. The only thing in my head are September's flaming trees alongside country roads.

I can never help but picture my years in the schoolyear format. A "year" to me is from one August to the next. Maybe that's just because the last 15 years of my life have been spent attending school full-time, but I hope that once I'm all growed up and have a real job and what not that I will still think of it that way. Screw January-January years. Woah, let's avoid that tangent. Because of my school-centered life, to me August means the fresh start I've been wanting for months. It means a new niche of friends, new classes and teachers to learn from, and new opportunities ahead [mostly with age progression]. New biginnings are my favorite.

Alright, was I the only kid who got an insanely strange sense of pleasure from buying school supplies? It was legitimately my favorite thing about school, which is saying a lot. I love love love school. I need routine and consistency, and having to be in school at 7:30am Monday-Friday certainly provided that. I loved learning and studying so that I could feel accomplished and like I had done something great that day. Tests were phenomenal. There are few things I love more than being handed a test, looking at it, and then thinking "Cake." But all of these things paled in comparison to how much I loved and still love buying school supplies! I secretly think that's a huge part of my desire to become a teacher. I will have the need to buy school supplies ALL THE TIME. What a beautiful thing that would be.

I feel like things are going by too quickly and incorrectly.
I live in a place that has two seasons: gorgeous sunny paradise and endless cold rain. Hello, incorporating Fall clothing is not an easy feat.
I'm going to be a junior in college in aproximately one month and I don't have a clue what I want to major in. I'm declared as English Education and Theater but will that just make me content or genuinely happy?
Most importantly, I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen in my life starting around Decemeber. Fall semester will be over and I don't think I'll be calling Oahu home after that.
Having no plan freaks me out.

oklahoma.

2010-06-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

is the coolest place ever.

I'm gonna need to move here.
like, for real.

I'm only here till Wdnesday but the days are going by so fast already and a I do not like it.
I feel like I've lived here my whole life and I want to for the rest of it.

it's decided.
done and done.

Dear Everyone,

2010-06-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

head over to your local Journey's shoe store
pick up a copy of the free Get Out of the Garage Music Contest cd.
then play track 1- Adding to 100 Years of Silence
and then track 2- Bright Red Chords
and then track 1 again
and then track 2 again
and just keep repeating the four previous steps.
because those songs are addicting.

like a lot.

Lucy Schwartz

2010-06-05T00:32:00.000-07:00

have a listen.
it's beautiful.

Gravity

I Don't Know a Thing

and my favorite: Gone Away

pirates.

2010-05-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

have you ever seen this video?
I saw it a long time ago and have been reminded of how hilarious it is,
so I wanted to share it with you.
enjoy.

friday.

2010-05-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

you know what's fun?
fridays.
I love them. and despite a few things, this week's was great.

thing 1:

I threw out my back today while shaving my legs. I could not move. I was just standing in the tub wearing a tee and bathing suit bottoms and I straight up could not move. awkward. stupid scoliosis!

solution:

nothing a little prescription pain meds won't fix. well, make slightly better at least....

thing 2:

the movie theater checks purses for outside food and drink now!!! say what?!?! I mean, me and my girl are just tryin to enjoy our chik-fil-a and a family friendly movie at the same time. who does that hurt? no one!

solution:

Case face and I are brilliant. and I used to work at the mall so I know everyone. best idea ever: go to a shoe store in the mall, ask for an empty box and a bag. place food in empty box, place box in bag, enter theater unquestioned :]

I'd say that only having two things to complain about all day makes it a success.
and I don't want folks thinkin I'm a glass-half-empty girl because there were also the lovely positive factors like:

beautiful weather.
strawberry colada snowball.
skype date with Joey.
scary movie night.
and of course, spending all day with my best friend :]

frozen grapes.

2010-05-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

don't you hate it when it the day feels like a different one? I could have sworn today was wednesday. all day I thought it was. luckily I remembered in time to watch Glee.
and now, here I am, in the sunshine-yellow family room, sitting on the couch and my toes are a bit cold.
I'm also eating these:

[frozen grapes]

the sensation on my tongue is well worth the icy feet.

it's been a good day.
heck, it's been a good summer. a great one in fact.
relaxing, carefree, somewhat adventurous, and playful.

the only thing I would change is the weather. isn't it supposed to be april showers bring may flowers? I think mother nature forgot to change the month on her calendar because this rain will not stop.

desire.

2010-05-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Today I realized I know exactly what I want.
I had this strange daydream/vision thing appear in my head without any control over it.
It was a beautiful picture. would you like me to describe it to you?
I hope so, cuz here it is.

With purse in tow and keys in hand, I walked up to the door of my apartment. Which apartment? I'm not entirely sure. Not any in Hawaii. It was in a complex, I have a feeling it was just outside the city. Don't ask me which because I haven't the slightest. I could just tell from the feeling. The one where I know the hustle and bustle of the city is close enough to have, but just far enough that I don't have matching chaos in my brain.
Back to this vision...
I walk in the door and the apartment is tasteful. Clean, but lived-in. Simple decorations, nothing gaudy or cramped. Somewhere in my cranium lies the knowledge that one or two other people live there as well and if we weren't already friends, we get along perfectly. There is also the feeling that I have just gotten home from work, and at this point its a job in which Dad isn't still putting money in the bank account. I then drop my purse on the counter, and head to my bedroom where I grab the book from the nightstand, plop onto the bed, and start reading. And this incredible feeling of contentment washes over me.

The perfect kind of contentment. Where I'm not happy for no reason, but for at least that moment, I have nothing to complain about.

Additional info:
my hair was long. like, looong.
wearing jeans and heels... which I never do.
was utterly in love with said apartment and location.
no idea what city, what state, what country.
no idea what job.
no idea what roommates.

I think the last three are understandable considering I have no clue what to do with my life. All I know is I want that day, that moment, that feeling. And it seems like the location, the job, and the people turned out fine.

fingers crossed.

just to inform you

2010-05-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

i will forever idolize this woman.

what a grump.

2010-05-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

last night was perfect.
hilarious, nostalgic, spontaneous, mischievous, stealth, crazy, comforting.

today was splendid as well.
slept in, groceries! good workout, funny movies, shopping, very productive, and a mango smoothie to top it off.

then the clock read 9:12pm and a serious 180 took place.
i am so grumpy right now.
i do not like people right now.
its so effing hot in my house.
i do not want to be fake nice to people at church tomorrow.
my eyes itch because i'm allergic to my own dog.

do i feel like finding something to get me happy again?

not particularly. i think i'll stay extremely annoyed with everything for the time being thank you very much.

inconvenient?

2010-04-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

very much so.

my computer is broken.
i'm pretty sure its legit done for this time.

hasn't turned on in three days.
time to find a replacement. awesome.

nostalgia.

2010-04-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

they say home is where the heart is.
I think I left my heart at the WHS auditorium.

I'm always overwhelmed with how much I miss that particular stage.
mostly though, it's the view from center stage. McKay auditorium can never compare.

tonight I enjoyed what will probably be my last opportunity for the next three years to see a show back at the ol' alma mater.

Thoroughly Modern Millie.
Phenomenal.
the performance blew me away. I was not expecting that.

you killed it kids, and you made me proud.
thank you.

desert island.

2010-04-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

well, Matty Patty texted me today and said "read my blog and call me after you've made one"
made a what?
......

a "desert island cd" that is under 80 minutes.
what does that even mean?

songs I can't live without?
songs that would take me out of a bad mood from being on a deserted island?
songs I would want to share with the natives if I found them?

I highly doubt it's the third one, but I'm just sayin...

so I went with songs that fall under categories one and two.

You Be The Anchor- Mayday Parade
Glitter In The Air- Pink
Details In The Fabric- Jason Mraz
YES- LMFAO
Beauty In The Breakdown- The Scene Aesthetic
Let Go- Dave Lichens
The Way We Talk- The Maine
Boston- Augustana
Electric Feel- MGMT
Don't Stop Believin'- Journey
Grace Kelly-Mika
Brat Pack- The Rocket Summer
Painting Flowers- All Time Low
Banana Pancakes- Jack Johnson
She's So Lovely- Scouting For Girls
Hey Jude- The Beatles
Walcott- Vampire Weekend
Viva La Vida- Coldplay
Let it Be- The Beatles (I would use the Across The Universe version though)
Wannabe- Spice Girls
Where I've Been- Hairspray The Musical

"excuse me??"

2010-04-16T03:10:00.000-07:00

late and delightful night with Case face, Tompkins, and Mitcharoo.
movies, b-dubs, 7-11, movie at Tompkin's house, Mitcharoo took me home.
oh wait, detour.

impromptu decision to continue the current and very strange conversation taking place in the car, proceed to drive ALL OVER Suckminster.

pull in drive-way, say goodnight, walk in back door, lights are on, newspaper on the counter.
the clock reads 5:34am.
Papa Bear is getting ready for work.

walk up the stairs, almost make it to the bedroom and hear:
"erin? when did you get in last night?"

"umm................................................right about now......"

"excuse me??"

explanation that Mitcharoo had just dropped me off after a long, necessary, "personal", serious talk. track of time was non-existent of course.

I love Mitcharoo. Mostly, I love that the parentals love Mitcharoo so much.

all opposition to plans or ideas ceases at the simple mention that Mitch will be there.
it's like magic :]

FANTASTIC.

2010-04-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

I. Love. Her.

end of story.

is it weird that sometimes I genuinely want to be like that?
GloZell, not Kesha-hot-mess-nasty.